The Domesticated Diaries

And then there was Ikea…

2011-07-23T16:02:00.001-07:00

People fall into one of a few categories:
A. You looooooove IKEA. IKEA is your thing.

B. You loathe IKEA. You hate it’s pure existence and think it’s the devil.

C. You don’t know about IKEA and you’ll end up an A or B eventually.

D. You like/love/adore IKEA until you try to put together the furniture… you then fall into a B category for a while and then return to A, quickly.

I am a certain A or D. Mostly A.

Today we got a Sneak Peek at our new IKEA store. If you know me you know I love décor. Anything that has to do with decorating, I about fall apart over. I can find inspiration anywhere and everywhere. And I’ve waited 13 years for IKEA in CO. For me, IKEA is definitely my “style”. Room and Board is also my style, just not in my price range! So, IKEA works, always has, for me! I know, I know… you hate it. That’s okay.

A friend from work sent me a text/FB post late last night telling me that she had a “GOLDEN TICKET” for me. A pass to get myself and a car load of my favorite peeps into IKEA, 3 days before it opens. Uh, awesome co-worker say what??? YES please! It’s no secret around these parts that I am an IKEA junkie. We’ve had some long dark roads over the last decade that we’re finally emerging from. Having the “liberty” to enjoy POINTLESS things (and yes, IKEA is pointless) is a blessing, finally.
So, GOLDEN TICKET in hand and only slightly concerned that I might be waking my sister and brother in law up, I texted the news… We were going to IKEA! Early. Like in two hours. Get up, get ready… Who’s your favorite sister in the world? That’s right… ME!

I took pictures. Yes. You heard it right… picture. So my “review” is this: I like it. Shocker, I know. It’s laid out well, the shortcuts are good. Newbies, get familiar with your shortcuts. IKEA has “grown up” a lot in the last dozen years. Final word: I’ll be there, a lot. Enjoy the pics…..

13 years I’ve waited for this view!

Reusable yellow shopping bag? CHECK! And, no, I wasn’t happy at all…. (and I only spent $30! Ha!)

At this point and juncture, I’m overwhelmed, we’re only 70 yards in! And, you’ll be happy to know that all remaining pics are of products only. And my McHottie of a hubs standing in faux kitchens.

A typical IKEA set up…

I ran into this chair because I didn’t see it. HA!

I absolutely love their lighting selections! I didn’t even get a pic of the one we’re doing over the island. Totally vintage industrial chic. Sold.

Uh.. cute!!!

Uh, yes please. Love. Love. Love. Love.

Ah.. our future countertop for our future island. We love butcher block and have waited to complete things so that we can buy IKEA butcher block! Stained a little darker… wa la. Me. My style.

For a “dark” kitchen, I like!

Seriously, even from the back… he’s adorable. It helps that he always looks like a 24 year old surfer dude. And, he's not 24 by the way.

Need appliances? IKEA has you covered. All made by Whirlpool. Amazing warranties too!

I am a sucker for a slip covered parsons chair… I may have like, uh... 25 slip covers to choose from!

The children's section was oh soooo cute!

Really, a kid would be stylin’ in this highchair!

AWWWW!

Free childcare for shopping parents! Oh how I would have used this….

Glassware galore!

Bath fixtures… we will be needing these!

This will be perfect for my train loving little boy. We found our family and our son in Union Station. With autism you meet the kid where he was at and at the time, he was into trains. So, hours were spent down at the station. Now, his room just happens to be grey, white and orange. HA! Meant to be!

It was a GREAT trip and we can’t wait to go back. Kurt, even in his “I AM excited, it just doesn’t look like it, at all. Yes, I know I look miserable, but I am having a good time” kind of way, said “Yeah, we’re not going anywhere else for furnishings.”

The hubs approves, mama is happy! We’ve been living like squatters for a year, with VERY little furnishings, just enough to make it livable and comfortable, just anticipating the opening of IKEA. There are rooms that are totally empty…. Not for long! Let the decorating begin!!!!!!!

As fate would have it.....

2011-02-19T19:40:00.000-08:00

(From February 2004)

We went to bed as we would any other night. Granted our sleep had been impaired for nearly 4 weeks as the twins were in the NICU, but nonetheless we managed to get some shut eye here and there. I don't recall my dreams or the weather that night. What I do recall is being awakened by a ring a little different than most, in the late hours of the night, by Dr. Paco.

"Mrs. Divino? It's Dr. Pantoja, I am calling about your girl." I honestly thought, that this was it. The phone call. The one we had talked about possibly getting.

Dr. Paco explained Juliana had taken a turn for the worse and they were needing to put her on different respiratory support. This was full support, unlike with the regular ventilator, she breathed along with it, some of her breaths coming from her tiny damaged lungs were hers, not just a machines. But this night she had decided she was done breathing, she didn't want to be any part of it. And somewhere along the lines her heart agreed, it too was done. She had the worst night to date, and as it turns out, the worst night she may ever have. After so many episodes of being brought back to life, in such a short time frame, 11 times in 13 hours to be exact , the doctor is obligated to let the parents know that this was the usual course of a extremely premature body that is telling us, it's too sick, it's too small, it's too weak and it's most importantly too early.

I realize only now, the importance of the words Dr. Paco would say to us next.

"I think you should come down so we can discuss what is best for Juliana in her condition."

We got there in record time. When we arrived no one was around her, which was an unusual sight. We washed up and walked over to the little ones. Gavin looked plump and healthy as he always seemed to. After looking at his chart, we realized he had had a great evening after we left and they were planning on turning down his vent settings, a HUGE accomplishment.

Then there was our girl. Nothing plump about her. Healthy wasn't a word I'd ever use to describe her in her first few weeks and tonight was no exception. We saw the normal perky shade of pink disappear by the minute.... She was grey and lifeless. The new ventilator rattled her little body like a roller coaster. Kurt grabbed my hand and I squeezed his. We've been able to finish each others sentences before, but tonight, no words were spoken and no words needed to be. We knew exactly what each other was thinking. I don't think we spoke for quite sometime.

Dr. Paco went over again the details and asked us what we wanted to do. In his professional opinion, she couldn't and shouldn't go on this way. Every attempt her fragile body made to let go was taking her one step closer to certain brain damage. We agreed it was too much for her little body.

He told us we had a choice to make, when really, we had no say. It wasn't up to us, the doctors or modern medicine to direct this little life. It was up to Juliana and God. We couldn't wrap our minds around what was next. And weren't sure we wanted to. It was almost as if we thought of it, we were letting go of hope and her.

The morning hours came, the nurses changed shifts. We realized later that Dr. Paco was supposed to be at home, but chose to stay with Juliana. In so many ways, we believe that had he left, hope would have left with him. Kurt said he felt like he was in debt to Dr. Paco. There is little doubt that, as he stayed with Juliana, he'd stayed with many little ones before. I have to wonder how many at times.

We knew when the NICU social worker, physiologist and other docs were joining Dr. Paco in his office that it was very possible they were getting ready to speak to us. Turns out we were right. It also turns out that we never had to have that talk.

Kurt and I had spent the last couple hours of what we understood to be the end of her life, *holding* Juliana the best we could. Because we weren't actually able to hold her all we could do was place our hands around her and on top of her. We talked about how much we couldn't wait to really hold her. We told her that her brother was just a few feet away and she should see how adorable he was. We let her know that her big brother thought she hung the moon already, and that he was right. She did. Not only did she hang the moon but she also held our entire world in one hand and our hearts in the other. I told that if she left us, that she'd leave with those things too. We needed her.

Her vitals improved slowly over the next hour. Dr. Paco continuously mentioned his surprise at her doing so well, *all of a sudden*. By the time lunch rolled around Dr. Mark was congratulating us on making it through that night and that she seemed to have turned a corner, amazingly enough.

Kurt and I left the NICU that night and never really talked the previous 24 hours alot until recently. For me to be silenced is unheard of, but that night I was. I didn't run to the nearest keyboard and pour out our experience. And I realize, it was a form of protection.

Kurt said he never really worried about Gavin. I had to agree. I knew he'd make it out of there as I did with Brennon. Even with his serious conditions, I still had faith. But Juliana definitely made us think. We hoped a little more, pleaded a little more, dreamt a little more and prayed a lot more.

There is a poem my E.E. Cummings that comes to mind when I think of that night:

I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart
I am never without it
Anywhere I go you go, my dear
And whatever is done by me is your doing, my darling
I fear no fate
For you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world
For beautiful you are my world, my true
And you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
Here is the root of the root
And the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life
Which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart

In many ways it will stay a secret in our hearts. What we felt that night and what we feel today when we look at her. But what isn't a secret is, the amount of joy this little girl holds. She is the tree called life, our life. She does grow higher than we hoped and she does spend her days amongst the stars.

I wonder who to thank at times. Medicine? Dr. Paco? Our faith? Mostly I thank God for the amazing opportunity of being her mom. But,I thank Juliana every day for being a part of life, here today. At times she makes this family what it is. Other times it's Gavin, Brennon or Kurt. But most of the time it is the works of 5 individuals, each bringing something different to the table. A table I am happy to sit at all the days of my life.

5 Years and 5 Million Memories

2011-02-19T19:33:00.000-08:00

(From January 2009)

Most of you know what time it is… January. The month the babies were born…. I love to write and journal a lot around this time and I like to send it out in hopes that it will do just a tiny bit for you as it’s done so much for me. Maybe it will light the way in a darker world, maybe it will allow you to go back to those times when so few things mattered- where we just celebrated life and each other, maybe it will inspire you to reach for a dream that you thought unrealistic. Brennon, Juliana and Gavin have encouraged me to do all those things (as well as take a long vacation alone one day!) and I thought I’d share a bit of that today! ==========================================================

January 2008

It’s hard to even imagine what sort of memories would have been made in the last 5 years. Clearly many more than I could count.

5 years ago, this week, I checked in to the antepartum/antenatal wing of the hospital at 21 weeks pregnant. I parked there for an indefinite amount of time. My due date to deliver the twins was May 11th. As far as the doctor was concerned, I wouldn’t be leaving that hospital pregnant to try to *relax* at home, I would be there until I delivered the twins, be it the next day or May 11th.

3 weeks later, at 24 weeks gestation my sweet tiny tiny babies arrived, tipping the scales at a little over a pound each. They weren’t concerned with time, or lack of time they spent growing. They weren’t concerned with the obvious effort I had put out trying to keep them where they needed to be. They weren’t concerned with the small fortune it would take to keep them alive. Seems, after all, no one told them how hard it would be. There isn’t a direct line of communication when you’re dealing with babies, seems they are doing exactly what it is that they do- keep you guessing.

It wasn’t mentioned to them they would age their parents like millions of hours of hard labor and millions of hours in the sun- all overnight. No one told them that for 4 months in the hospital after being born they would break many hearts, pick up the pieces and mend those hearts all together again with unexpected successes. Someone forgot to mention that they would hold the hearts of those same two people (known as Mom and Dad), in the palms of their tiny hands. I don’t think they knew what those two people felt for them, or what their arrival made those two people feel for each other. They never anticipated what those two people would feel like when they got *the call*.

No one mentioned how hard it would be. Juliana and Gavin had no clue. They just did what they needed to do.

But I had a different idea; I knew how hard it would be. I was prepared for round 2 of the extended NICU tour as I just did it with Brennon 4 years prior. BUT- I had done it once, and told myself I could do it again. Or could I? Surely the second time around would be easier. It was not, the two experiences didn’t compare. Where Brennon had major issues the babies sailed through. Where we had no worries with Brennon, the twins seems to pick up the slack, just so we could experience EVERYTHING that there was to experience with extreme preemies. It wasn’t the worry that typical twin parents have with the parenting two children part, but wondering if those two would ever come home for us to be parents to- there were a few too many times we were told “It doesn’t look good.” We wondered day after day if they were growing normal, if their brains were functioning correctly, if the future was a bright one, or a bleak one. There was nothing *hard* about giving two babies a bath, even alone. There was nothing brilliant about feeding two babies at two am. I never got kudos for managing a last minute grocery store trip. THAT was quite easy in comparison.

5 years later I am not sure it is any easier. I think in talking to other twin moms with older twins, they told me it would get better *around 3* to make sure I wouldn’t throw in the towel and run. It was a possibility after all. Today it’s crazy, funny, sad and scary- but not hard in *that* way. What’s hard is looking back at where they’ve come from, and wondering did I do everything I possibly could? Did the doctors take all the precautions they were supposed to?

It would be naïve to say yes or no, either way. I like to try to focus on what I do know, for sure- I love these kids. I love that when Gavin gets out of bed, he likes to sit at the top of the stairs and rub his ear for a few minutes before joining the family- every morning. I love that as soon as I step in the kitchen I can as sure as the sun rises turn around to see Juliana in her chef’s hat ready to help me do whatever it was that I came into the kitchen to do. I love that Gavin only calls Juliana sissy when he tells her he loves her. I love that Juliana has to tell him she loves him back in a quiet voice. I love that they think we don’t see them hug, all the time, and pretend to be pushing each other as soon as they notice we noticed! I love that when Juliana is in trouble she gives the biggest grin you’ve ever seen. I love that Gavin puts himself in a time out whenever his brother or sister is in one- he’s all about equal treatment. I love that when Juliana is tired she says “I wanna lay on you body.” And I love that when Gavin is tired he asks if I can rub his “big back”. I love that Juliana has a preference of what she’s called, today it’s Irene, her middle name.

The last 5 years has been filled with some memories I never thought I’d be fortunate enough to have, and have often. It only gets better by the day. There are some days I am ready to check out, and I even go to the extent of pricing the tickets and carefully choosing my tropical destination based on how quickly someone could come pull me out of there- the more difficult the better! Somehow I wake up the next morning and wonder what I was thinking. There is an alternative to all this- it would be NOT having them. That is something I can’t imagine. They make me real, humble and most of all, they make me realize that I was chosen, (hand picked!) to be their mom. It’s not a coincidence that I have the 3 kids I do. It’s not a coincidence that I am doing all this along side of one of the greatest people I’ve ever known. But somehow that doesn’t make everyday easy, matter of fact, I can count the easy days on a few hands. We have to look back and honor ourselves and realize we never signed up for prematurity, autism, pre cancerous conditions, chromosomal abnormalities, developmental delays and a mom with a forever broken body from it all- we signed up for the *typical* kid stuff! This isn’t typical and to think there are those who’ve suffered more, much more.... Yet, somehow or another it was truly meant to be and I appreciate who I am today because of it.

“When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” - Edward Teller

We’re thankful that we received both lessons, we know when there isn’t a strong base to stand on we need to rise above, flutter and flap our wings during the time in question, keep our eyes on what and who’s above and wait patiently for the time to pass, then land softly on our solid base once again. There is one thing we know for sure, whether it’s bad or good, it will change. We hold on to the one thing we know that won’t, our family commitment to each other.

I’ve said it before, it’s about 5 people that bring something different to the table, and that is table I am proud to sit at my entire life. Today is about life, the life we were given by them being able to continue theirs and not leaving us too soon. It was close at times, a little too close for me- but 5 years later we’re all here, standing taller than ever and realizing that maybe it wasn’t that hard after all!

What tomorrow will bring.....

2011-02-19T19:23:00.000-08:00

(From November 2009)

I know that we never know what tomorrow will bring. For once, I know exactly what it will bring should life decide to keep me breathing for one more day. Tomorrow I will wake up and remember THIS:

At some point in my life I've mentioned that I might like to change the world somehow. I still haven't pinpointed exactly how I'll reach *the world*, a megaphone might just be my communication tool of choice- seems we as a society have problems with our hearing... OR, maybe we just have a problem with feelings. Maybe it's those pesky *expectations* that ruin it all. I don't know, and I'd venture a guess that while there are many opinions on what is wrong with the world, there sure isn't a lot of action on changing what's wrong with the world.

Here's my attempt at changing the world.... procreation. Yes, the amazing gift of pregnancy and the miracle of life. I said I wanted the OPPORTUNITY to change the world. How is it that I was gifted with THREE amazing opportunities to do so? Opportunity came to me in the form of children.

(DISCLAIMER: You obviously don't need to have children (or birth your own) to have a positive impact or make a contribution to the world. I was made from scratch to be a woman, daughter, wife, mother. I am honored to have those titles, however, it all started with being one thing- a life. If you have one, you have more power than you'll ever know. I just know THIS is how *I* was chosen to be. And well, this is my ramblings...)

What better way to contribute to the world, than offering to the world, no, scratch that.... offering to the UNIVERSE, three amazingly, powerful human beings? Do I think they are amazing already? I do. I see it in every breath they take, in every problem solving attempt they make and every raised chin in satisfaction when they've accomplished something THEY didn't think they could, but I assured them they would.

How I teach, guide, influence and carry on will mold these little peace makers in to an army of integrity, confidence, goodness and INFLUENCE. How I influence them will be a direct affect on how they influence others.

Will my children see weakness or power in me? I hope they grow to see the power in me, but also feel humbled enough to know that we are allowed to cry, have emotion, express fears and learn through mistakes.

Will my children choose to *bail* at the first sign of *tough times*? I hope they learn that our true warrior comes out in times where our base isn't so stable. I believe in you can't have dark without light, evil without good... You can't appreciate the good times until you've experienced the tough times. Perseverance is key.

Will my children choose to break down the weak or build up the weak? I hope that they've seen unselfish acts from not only me, but others they are influenced by. I hope that they realize that while a helping hand helps at that moment, their words will forever stick. I hope they choose to breathe life in to those falling down. I hope that they use the word *love* when ending a phone call with me AND when passing a stranger with his head down.

Will my children adopt the " you are a product of your misfortunes" or take responsibility for their fortunes AND misfortunes. I hope that they never fall victim to mistreatment in any form, but if they do, I hope that they realize the transfer of power, from the hunter to the hunted happens the minute they refuse to consider themselves victims.

Will my children get wrapped up in a title? I hope they find energy in being themselves. I hope they are able to disconnect from certain titles and get back to the root of their life. I hope as much as they give to others they will not forget themselves.

I know that tomorrow I will wake seeing the beauty of their souls and remember the power that I have as a woman/mother. I hope my daughter will see that she holds the same power and she will one day be called to execute it in some manner. I hope she knows her worth as a woman, I hope that if there is anything I do on this earth, it will be to show her what she deserves, which is everything, in life. I hope my boys will be true men and honor the women in their lives by treating them as a woman should be treated. I hope that we, as husband and wife, can show them the fruits of a relationship filled with honor, integrity, interest (there's one that isn't around anymore), respect and passion.

There are many hopes that I have for them, but all in all I hope they make a difference to someone. I will continue to mold my army of goodness and I hope the world is ready to receive them.

In the spirit of the Thankful month- I am THANKFUL for the opportunities I've been given with my children. My one true desire, fulfilled. I will not take for granted the lives entrusted to me. I will lead by example.

Somehow or another Billy Joel must have written this about my daughter....

2011-02-19T19:16:00.000-08:00

(From February 2010)

It's not a huge surprise that this song is one of my favorites of all time and my 2nd favorite by Mr. Joel. However, the more I learn about my daughter; the more time I spend in her awesome presence; the more clear her heart becomes to me, the more this song seems to be hand picked for her.

She’s got a way about her
I don’t know what it is
But I know that I can’t live without her
................
She’s got a smile that heals me
I don’t know what it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She’s got a way of talkin’
I don’t know why it is
But it lifts me up when we are walkin’ anywhere
.......................
She comes to me when I’m feelin’ down
Inspires me without a sound
....And I find the strength to keep on goin’
She’s got a light around her
And everywhere she goes a million
Dreams of love surround her everywhere

She comes to me when I’m feeling down
Inspires me without a sound
....................

She's just "The Girl". A million dreams of love surround her. Sometimes I wonder if she knows what she does to her dad and I. She is so inspiring, her smile, her laugh, her soul. From the time I held her little 20 oz body in my arms I knew this one was special. There was some overtime put in to this development of a beautiful girl. Sometimes I catch myself saying "When I grow up I want to be like my little girl." Leave me to my dream.... It works in my head....

I am so interested in finding a way to encourage/continue to encourage the light in her. I know the day might come where her imperfections shine through in ways that make my heart fall apart. I hope that I can remember these times with her and the day I realized a fantastic songwriter put my thoughts in to a melody.

She sure has a way............

Autism Awareness

2011-02-19T19:11:00.001-08:00

(From April 2010)

It's April 2nd, World Autism Awareness Day.

As (most) of you know our son was diagnosed with Autism in 2006, he qualified for the diagnosis in numerous evaluations over the next couple years.

We poured all we had, and a lot of what we didn't, into getting him what he needed. It worked. Today we have a son that still qualifies for the diagnosis based on testing, however, if you know Gavin, you'd be hard pressed to find any Autistic like qualities when spending an average amount of time with him. He might seem rather "typical". His teachers know different, we know different- but to most, he's just "like all the rest". Which was EXACTLY our plan.

"If a child cannot learn in the way we teach ... we must teach in a way the child can learn." -Dr. O. Ivar Lovaas

This was something we adopted, in a major way. We "forgot" all the "norms" and went against the grain to teach him. It was hard, people tried to tell us we were doing it all wrong, backwards maybe. We couldn't heed the advice from others as they didn't have a son that couldn't communicate, didn't make eye contact or stop banging his head long enough to take a breath. They didn't have a child that screamed, non stop, for years. We sought out those who DID have a child like ours and found few and far between that actually had any hope. I found myself slipping in to a deep depression the more inner twined I became with these families. This isn't how it was supposed to feel. Suddenly I knew a little bit how Gavin might feel. Confused, alone and left wondering if this is how it felt.

I stood back and realized a few things. Our friends and family couldn't really understand- supportive and loving yes, but able to grasp our reality? No. Then, the families with children like ours, well *I* didn't understand THEM. We didn't understand Gavin. Gavin didn't understand us. So, as you might realize and I did at that moment, it's a breakdown of communication.

What do YOU do when you can't communicate with someone? You might learn their language. You might implement the power of touch. You might use a form of body language. You might just smile and keep saying in YOUR native language- I love you, hoping that might mean something one day. You might even hope that you'll hear it back, even if those pesky experts say you may never.

We learned Gavin's language. We didn't learn the language of Autism. I still am not familiar with that dialect. I didn't attempt to flood the information gates with all the different ways children with Autism learn, we employed therapists who worked 1:1 with him, I broke it down to how GAVIN learned- we honed in and dug and dug and dug. We dug until we found what we were looking for. We still have to get the shovels out occasionally to find a way with him, but the beauty behind that is we're getting to the point where he helps us dig. We have a child who's empowered not by his abilities, but his DIFFERENT abilities. He's strong. In his hand is a tool that he's learning to use. I don't think there is a better gift you can give your child then the ability to see himself, not as the VICTIM, but as the VICTOR.

Today we try to remember what it was like, but we can't. We just know that we have a little boy who showed us the beauty of life, locomotives (ask how many trains we sat and stared at and how many trips to Union Station we took) and most importantly a little boy who showed us how many different ways you could love without saying a word. We're fortunate to have a little boy who can tell us he loves us, but can't forget the families who are still learning the language of their Autistic child.

So, today we proudly "celebrate" World Autism Awareness Day.

Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.-- Henry James

A life with no regrets... More possible than I think? Afterall, it all starts with a choice.

2011-02-19T19:05:00.001-08:00

(From May 2010)

Sometimes I wake up, (even when I wasn't asleep) and wonder "What was I thinking?" Great, I guess I'll add another regret to the books..... But, does it have to be?

Life has alot of twists and turns. At times I wonder who/what I should be mad at for handing over the challenges we've been "gifted".

I guess I could find something, someone- but then I realize that is a CHOICE. I've said it for a decade now and believe more than ever- there is a "alternative" to all this. I could see it as; had medical intervention not been available, not ONE of my children would be here today- that is a near certain statement. The alternative to their life, no matter how complicated, would only be their death. None of them had the ability to breathe upon leaving my body, the twins couldn't maintain a heartbeat if they tried. I could look at the fact that I have a degenerative disease and realize that the other alternative would be that upon a Feburary 2009 diagnosis, I could have only had 3 months to live, such as my dear friend Susan. Or, I can choose to live everyday in the present and be thankful for each day as I never know when the alternative will arrive. There is always an alternative. "Oh, I HAVE to wash these dishes." Or can you see it as "I had food to put on my plate tonight, I am gifted the opportunity to eat, I'll happily do these dishes." There's always a choice in how we see things.

So- with this thought I realize I can also CHOOSE my actions, and maybe those actions will lead to less regrets. Regrets are hard. Today I had one. Today, when working my way through a task, clearly getting frustrated, I caught Juliana looking at me from the table in which she was making (another) card. After a few minutes she put everything down and came over and said "Here, I'll help you mommy." She didn't ask HOW she could help, IF she could help. She just said she was going to. I love her heart. I love that she didn't sit around and wonder if her little 6 year old idea was going to make a difference. She didn't realize that helping me once might not save me from the next time I was frustrated. She didn't calculate how helping me would interfere with her day and choose to invest in herself instead. She just said "I'll help you." Well, here is where my regret comes in. I said "No, honey, Mommy's fine. Go back to what you were doing."

Honestly, if I had to put money on it, I'd have to say that I saw disappointment in her. If I also had to put money on it, I'd say that her life will go on. BUT- since I'm the one who's got the million dollar job without a paycheck (homemaker) I really don't have money to put on anything. SO, tomorrow morning, when she's supposed to make her bed, I'll do it for her and tell her that I remembered when she was wanting to help me yesterday and I didn't let her. I really wished I did, and couldn't take back that time. So I wanted to do something nice for her to thank her for what she was willing to do for me and that I couldn't wait to have a spot in my day where I needed her help.

I believe there is beauty in our children seeing us as the humans that we are. I believe that allowing our children in on the little secret that "mommy and daddy don't have it all figured out" will allow them to learn in ways, intimate ways, how to be a responsible, empathetic human being- rather than just moving on and hoping they don't recall. I believe that their hearts and souls will grow faster than science ever documented and we'd better not waste a breath on anything but love towards them. I also believe that the "the school of hard knocks" will come knocking on our doors and deliver the bad news- that doesn't work.

Today, in my daughter, who I have a good 27 years on, I saw a person that I long to be. What a gift, what a blessing that she already is. She is exactly what she should be. And only life, society, adults can take that from her. Well, I can say this much- not on my watch.

"As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do." -Zachary Scott

I can say that 98% of the time I either allow her help or ask for her help, especially when it's not needed- that's what the good stuff is made of. BUT, I regret that other 2%. I'm not perfect and many many things in life I don't get to CHOOSE. But, this I can choose- and will choose from here on out HER happiness, her desires, her heart- for I've been entrusted with it, at least for now.

Authenticity and Transparency

2011-02-19T07:56:00.000-08:00

I continuously hear those words over and over in my head. They ARE my words after all, I vowed to incorporate more of each in to my life. If you've been following "me" for a while, you know that while looking for those two things in others, I found that I wanted more of that from MYSELF.

I've certainly been able to scratch out a few people, places and things based on the fact that I can't find EITHER of the two. And that's okay. Just as I've said all along "I am not for everyone." It goes to say the opposite, "Everyone isn't for me." Which for many of you you're sitting there staring at this page saying "Duh!!! You didn't know that?" Well peeps, I didn't. I've spent the majority of my years ~~attempting~~ failing at making everyone happy. I didn't quite get the memo that at some point you'll be painfully aware that people don't like you and (the most important part) THAT'S OKAY! I thought if I tried hard enough, met people where they were at, genuinely had interest in their lives, cared, shared and loved that the world, all of it! could be my friend. Pfft! It's just not that simple now, is it?

So, lately I've been investing a little time in ME. My journey. Oh wait, I didn't really have a path I followed, I just seemed to be drug, face down, down a path that LIFE chose for me. I guess that's how I saw it for a looooong time. It's been the last few years, maybe longer, that I realize this is all for SOMETHING. My faith isn't a secret. We know I am a big ol' lover of God. And it's clear there is a plan for me.

However, without ME putting forth action, nothing will ever be revealed to me. I've been led in a few directions, a few times. I've found things I've loved and subscribed to the theory that if you do something you love, you WILL be successful. Maybe not in a financial/societal sense, but in your heart. That's the good stuff. I think my unwaivering pessimism doesn't allow me to "try something on for size", I'll decide "it won't work" before it ever starts. Or, if I've started something, it seems it gets ripped from my hands before I know it. I am not one for ripping back, I kinda believe in "What's meant to be will be..." So, I've moved on.

Anyone wonder what I am getting at? Ha me too! All the time.

Anyhow....

I think I've figured it out. I think I've figured out a way to incorporate a few loves, a few (minimal) talents, a need in the community into a service that is based on AUTHENTICITY and TRANSPARENCY and a few other kitschy words that we all love.

I think everyone needs a Susan. Do you have a Susan? I did, for about 5 years. Not long enough, about 1/12 of the time I wanted to. My friend Susan started out as my "Mentor Mom". I was part of M.O.M.S (Mothers of Multiples Society) and when my twins were born 16 weeks early they didn't send me just any ol' twin mom, they sent in Susan. Susan had signed up to be a Mentor Mom to another twin/preemie mom. I was her "first" mentoree. Within 17 minutes of meeting I think we lost the titles and became simply, friends. I'll never forget trying to tell her when she first contacted me "I was fine... I had a preemie before...I didn't need help, they were still in the hospital... call back when I get home with them." LOL. If you knew Susan you'd know that she could see through the crap and would call you on it. "Girl, just knock that off, yes you do. I am coming to the hospital tomorrow and meeting your babies and taking you to lunch." Uh, okay? I remember seeing the NICU doors open and in marches my soon to be dear friend and what would later become my angel.

Susan met me where I was at. She met me at the bottom of some deep dark holes, some of which I was thrown in to, some of which I dug myself. And every time she met me there it wasn't to drag me out, it wasn't to solve the debacle. It was to experience my heartaches, get a little dirty in the muck and then together, we'd figure out a way out. She also met me when I lounged on and in the clouds of dreams and aspirations, even when they only made sense to me. "Girl, do it! Now. If you don't, I am gonna bug you about it, a bunch." And she did. And oddly enough, even though she's been gone for almost a couple years, she still kinda does. (Read more about the day I found out I lost my closest friend here).

Many a times Susan would call, I'd pick up the phone and say "Hey..." she'd interrupt with this line..."Girl! You have to try ___________. It will change your life." You could insert MANY things there. A book, Sherwin Williams paint color, Puttenesca sauce... She had a passion for experiences, anything that touched one of your senses or your heart. I am the same way. You might hear me around Snooze telling our guests to "... try the Red Velvet Pancake, it will change your life." or at least palette for a few minutes. I love to experience "LIFE". Even if "life" is in the form of a yummy pancake. I like experiences. I've walked the streets with a person who's lost themselves in the world of crack, prostitution and all that encompasses a life on the streets and listened to their stories.... and paid attention so I could figure out how to love them, in THEIR language. That's life and those are experiences I wouldn't trade for the world. There's a broad spectrum out there and it surely isn't a "One Size Fits All" world.

So, how am I taking these thoughts and dreams and making them come true? Well, I am working out details, business plans, goals, ect. But, I will say that without Susan I wouldn't have made it through the first few years with the twins. Granted, I was a mom before the twins it's just that Brennon wrote the book on "How to be the perfect baby.".... (Update: He's making up for lost times and is now writing the book on "How to drive your parents crazy/Being a tween.") And maybe I would have made it through those years, it's likely. It just wouldn't have been as fun, eye opening, educating or pretty. I want to be able to provide moms/families with the opportunity to find themselves or their new selves through mothering and parenting by way of education, health/wellness, fitness/nutrition, organization, environment "sprucing up" and physical (non-judgmental) support. No "rescuing" here. We're going into the trenches together and we're digging out together. Period.

Like I said, everyone needs a Susan.

More details to follow.

(Thank you to Susan for the inspiration. Thank you to God for whispering in to my soul just when I needed You to.)

So far this is a cake walk.....

2011-01-20T15:14:00.000-08:00

I really thought 21 days without Facebook, meat or caffeine would be alot harder.... however, it's not been hard at all. Except that one time I fixed my breakfast sandwich with bacon, dove in and realized I wasn't supposed to be eating meat.... Either I am growing some sort of tolerance or just maybe my faith has a little to do with it?

It's made me realize that I can lean on something other than the worldly offerings of relationships, certain foods, dependencies, ect.

I don't see Facebook, meat, caffeine as evil.

Matter of fact it's been the opposite for me, it's just a few things I knew I could give up and "feel" the desire to go running down the road screaming "Come back, come back!" I could have given up alot of things that aren't part of my day- TV, sweets, soda, ect... But I don't drink soda that often, can go days without laying eyes on the boob tube (sorry to all those who ended up on my blog because you searched the web for "boob". This isn't about that.) or given up sweets, something I might have once a month. I wouldn't FEEL those. I'd feel my choices and I figure this is about not only a mental challenge, but a physical one too.

We end our challenge/commitment on the 30th. I'll write about my experience or maybe I won't... Haven't decided, but what I have decided is that I am stronger than I thought, but not yet convinced I am as strong as God knows I am.

21 Days.........

2011-01-12T12:06:00.000-08:00

Our church is doing "21 Days of Prayer and Fasting" and I thought I'd join in..... It started MONDAY January 10th, 2010

I've opted to "Fast" from the following:

Facebook- To my surprise, this has been easy and dare I say it, nice? I've felt for a while now that Facebook is an avenue to enjoyment for sissies. Truly, who really has the nerve to look me in the eye and say HALF the stuff said? Really? After all, I've sat in the same room as many of them and really, it seems like there is alot more "nerve" when making statements on Facebook then in person. Maybe through this I will learn to take things "easier". I will say that I fully intend to return to Facebook for the fact that I have 99.9% of my family a minimum of 1000 miles away and it's been a great way to be a "part of" their life. It's been priceless.

Caffeine- I've given up coffee... cold turkey. I had nothing short of 5 cups on Sunday and a big fat ZERO on Monday.... Which could/does explain my headache yesterday and Tuesday. Today I have actually felt more tired than ever, but I also know that will change... See, I've done this whole "no coffee" thing too. I DO agree that in moderation caffeine is actually a POSITIVE supplement to a diet. This I also WILL return to (I think), just in minimal amounts and ideally in the form of Green Tea. My basis for this is the whole "artificial" and temporary fix it tends to be for me. I hope to seek out OTHER opportunities for energy and fulfillment through (more) exercise and prayer/meditation.

Meat- This was originally supposed to be a Daniel Fast, nothing but fruits and vegetables. Basically a Vegan diet, with even more restrictions. I made that choice Sunday night. By 8:10 Monday morning I realized that being ill prepared for such a goal was a sure fire way to fail! I had spent a full year a while back eating a vegetarian diet that often went vegan for a while. I enjoyed it, however I did learn that being prepared was the ONLY way to manage it. Otherwise things like potato chips were quickly justified because well, it WAS vegetarian! ;) Once I got the whole diet in order it WAS good, great even spectacular at times. However, Monday morning I was not prepared nor did I even have it in me to prepare. So, no meat. And by no meat we all know I mean no bacon. I can live without beef, chicken, turkey or most pork products, but I love me some BACON! Granted I didn't have bacon THAT often but knowing it's NOT in my current diet is making me want it more! But, so far, so good. No meat since Saturday. However I am loving the whole grains, legumes, fresh veggies and fruit and WATER, lots of WATER!

All in all I enjoy things like this. Anytime I can challenge myself, physically or mentally, I'll take the opportunity.

It's beginning to look alot like a kitchen... err... Christmas!

2010-12-09T10:09:00.000-08:00

Okay, truth be told. From the OUTSIDE our house looks a wee bit like Christmas. Got the "I'm gonna save the world with these ones!" obligatory (self proclaimed wanna be) treehugger LED lights, some red bows, cinnamon scented pine cones and beautiful wreath... all adorning the OUTSIDE of the house.

However, nothing and I mean nothing is says Christmas from the INSIDE. Like no Christmas tree or anything. Don't worry, it's going up this weekend and will likely be up through January! However, I will say, it's beginning to look alot like we're on the verge of a kitchen. :)

Warning, clearly we have ALOT to do and oh, I'd say about 14 days to do so. Do not plan on being impressed by the next photo. :) However, please feel free to be impressed that I am still sane.... or at least as sane as I was(n't) prior to starting this.

What's left? Other than the majority of elements that contribute to a functioning kitchen? Funny you should ask...

Backsplash: to the tune of BEADBOARD!!!!! Woo to the hoo! I love me some beadboard. Kinda like this:

Countertops: Template is done on Monday. It would be brilliant of me to decide if we're just doing our island (larger sit at type of island) in granite and perimeter counters in butcher block or if all of it will be granite, and decide this all by Monday. This is the "nice" (ha ha) thing about doing this yourself, no one can stop you from last minute decisions/changes. However, those people normally employed to do so will also be an asset in keeping you on track, discouraging last minute changes. Valuable stuff. Anyhoo, 7 days after template we'll have the install. Counter tops will be this (Virginia Jet Mist- was an easy choice! Kurt has family from VA and my grandmas name is Virginia):

Open shelving: Figured out a fantabulous way to bring back the old. Our shelves inside the original cabinets are the most beautiful slabs of pine and solid as all get out! We found sweet suspension cable brackets at the Container Store and will put those together to flank the stove/hood and to the right of the window. I am impressed with their weight load and think it will work! Currently we have an upper cabinet "scheduled" to go to the right of the window... but if my diabolical plan works, it won't be there. Brackets are like this and we'll have our reclaimed/recycled walnut stained pine shelves:

Install the pro style hood Kurt found for a penny. Yes, a penny. Truth be told, it's a little more "worn" than I wanted, and I think some of that came from AFTER the purchase, but.... my life will go on. I said from the beginning, I do NOT want a "gourmet" kitchen. I want a lived in, utilitarian/slightly industrial, simple kitchen, with a cottage, vintage and schoolhouse flare. Guess this goes towards the lived in part! ;)

Sink: We're stuck on a 2 basin vs. 1 basin sink. I LOVE a large rectangular sink, no dividers. Right now that's winning. That will be part of our counter top choice as our fabricator and friend is doing it for us, so come Monday, I can't turn back!

Cabinets: Cabinets have to be shimmed, secured to the wall and each other. BUT, we're waiting on one filler piece so that is a weekend project right now... this weekend.

Pendent lights over island: I am looking for the POIFECT pair of pendants. Thus far, to no avail. So, for now, the wires are up in the ceiling, waiting to be paired with lighting and start the love fest of a lifetime lighting up our lives. Looking for pendants like these, in our budget (read: CHEAP!):

Doors: because no kitchen remodel is complete without spilling out into the surrounding rooms, we took off doors, so we need to install some new pre-hung doors. I think we'll end up with 6 panel doors, bleh.... but it is what it is. :)

Cabinet door hardware, like this:

A few here and there items. Deciding on "Butlers Pantry" deal in 2011.

Kurt and I installed floors this week. Last week drywall was hung, finished (by a professional because I will say we all have our limits). That took a lot longer than expected, so this week was flooring. That was the most difficult thing we've handled to date. Give us electrical, framing, plumbing, design, ect and I'd do that ALL over again before I lay floors. I felt like a fought a war and lost.

Nonetheless, the floors are done, well, the kitchen is. We need to continue them into the entry way and powder bath. Unfortunately we have opposing schedules this week and our progress is slow. In the effort of transparency, our progress has been slow this ENTIRE time, but even slower lately. That's what happens when you take two average joes/joettes who have an soft spot for this stuff, who've vowed to DIY or DIE for the sake of budget and in the interest "Let's see what we're capable of..." But, considering this was a budget friendly/cash only project AND our first full kitchen remodel, on our own, I am VERY proud of us.

Would I do it all over again?

I'm still working on that one.... I have a feeling the answer is yes, but as of last night it was a strong, unwavering NOPE. But, a girl can change her mind, right? And well, as of right now, I'd say with an strong voice, SIGN ME UP!

Stay tuned for the final reveal.

By the way- MERRY CHRISTMAS to all.

And then there was Mia!

2010-12-04T16:12:00.000-08:00

Our family has grown and is now complete!

Meet Mia, our new Boston Terrier:

Um, that's a large pic. Sorry. But she is actually a little larger than life, so it's appropriate!

More details on her over the next weeks. We love her!

You Snooze, you lose... Well, not in this case!

2010-12-04T15:51:00.000-08:00

I've kinda been snoozing lately... Just not how you think! Sometime late September I got a little job at Snooze, an AM eatery. :) Because nothing with a family is little, it's not so little. But, it's fun. It's a perfect "MOM" job, a few days a week, I am home hours before the kids are out of school and occasionally work one weekend day, which so does Kurt so our weekends have NEVER been coveted like most peoples. We do alot of Tuesday night things when "normal" families do their Saturday things. It works for us and we're happy with that. I say that because it's amazing how many people are NOT okay with it. To each his own, but the key word be OWN- their own is proabably different than our own and that is ALLLL okay with us!

Anyhow, Snooze is a great place. They are committed to running a very sustainable business and actually make massive attempts (and are massively successful) to reduce their footprint on the earth. They are "different" and that is what brought me out of restaurant retirement. I hope you'll try us out someday for what I believe is OUT OF THIS WORLD food! There are sometimes 1.5-2 hour waits on the weekends.... this has always been the case for any other Snooze here, so we're just happy the new store is able to carry on the "It's worth the wait" traditions. And, it's not ALWAYS 2 hours... but that gives you an idea, there are about 700 people who were willing to wait between 20-115 minutes for pancakes, dreamy benedicts, tasty eggs and amazing coffee.... there's SOMETHING about it! :)

Anyhow, there is my shameless Snooze plug..... I'm enjoying it. It's been a huge transition for the family, totally slowed down the whole kitchen remodel project and kicked my hiney in to gear in the 4 and 5 am hours... but these are all good things. I waited for a while to start this, and they say "Good things come to those who wait...." and indeed it did.

Love and Peace...

Does God give us what we can handle, or what we can't?

2010-11-07T20:37:00.000-08:00

They always say that God only gives us what we can handle. What if He give us what we can't, only so we'll turn to Him? It seems that when my faith is STRONGEST I'm given difficult challenges and am forced to dig deeper into our relationship.

I see now what Dave Ripper, the teaching Pastor at church today, meant by ORIENTATION=>DISORIENTATION=>REORIENTATION. What if my health concerns were only meant for good, the greater good and this is my REORIENTATION? What if the lack of certain memories/any memory was His way of healing? What if having little or no memory one day was better than remembering that one day? While it sounds terrible to me, He's the only one that can see in my heart and is willing and ABLE to fix it- and this was His answer. What if my defining moment has already been and it did force me to live my life forever different? Am I honoring that moment? The same moment(s) I've tried to ignore for so long?

Like many questions I have, this is one I'll be stewing over for a while.

But, I think the old saying "God only gives us what we can handle.", might not actually be the case- at least not for me.

Musings of my mind.....

2010-09-15T13:50:00.000-07:00

My mind is racing these days. It's full of ideas, plans, intentions and a few really really BIG agendas. I say this as if there wasn't a day this didn't happen. Except, my excuses are lessening. I don't see obstacles in the same fashion. This is new. Very new.

What's on my mind:

How did our calendar get this full? Ever wonder how "she" or "they" do it and then vow you'd NEVER get like that and then suddenly, you're the leader of it!?!?!? My calendar is full, with alot of important stuff- school, Kurt's work schedule, birthdays, doctor appointments, volunteer days, sports/activities, ect. Literally, for this entire month, there were TWO days that didn't have a bunch of THINGS planned. Some of it IS non-negotiable, sure. BUT, there is also alot of it that isn't "needed" as much as the time we USED to spend just "being" with each other is NEEDED. Big time. So, I plan to make the next season, Oct-Jan more Divino like. We've always been good at not over extending ourselves, children, minds, energy, ect. Suddenly we're caught up in the rat race and well, I'm not digging it.
Why can I NOT get over my "self worth" issues? MAN, I am my own worst enemy Kurt will say. It's true. No one gets to me more than my own self. I try to carry loads that are much much bigger than my wee shoulders- as if I had no choice. And I do have a choice. I CAN choose to see that my *work* is ENOUGH. I don't see it as that yet, but I CAN choose to. During this next season I am going to work on seeing all that I do as "enough".

How can I be a great wife? If you've listened to me rant about "my generation" of wives and mothers- I am sorry. It's truly never been about anyone in particular, if not totally only about myself.. but rather just a collective idea I have about what's important to us (as wives and mothers) today. The expectations we have of our spouses/partners seem more ridiculous than ever. Sometimes I expect Kurt to be GREATER than he already is. That's like asking Superman if he can step up his game a little bit. Kurt knows how thankful I am for him. I think. But, saying THANKS is different than living THANKFULLY- my actions, tone, body language, ect all goes in to the communication of a marriage. During this next season I am going to explore more of the bible and what God's intentions are for marriage. Our marriage is fine, there's nothing wrong with it, I just think there can always, always be MORE.

Do my children know me as happy? Or would they use the following list of adjectives to describe me: Frustrated, busy, preoccupied, seeking.... How my children see me is a HUGE thing to me. They are learning from MY modeling everyday. I feel like some changes are in order, immediate order. If anything they've learned lately, we're not perfect, sometimes you just gotta freak out. Then, I hope to teach them that after the freak out season of your life, you gotta get up, dust yourself off and get back on the horse, that is life.
So, that's just a bit of MY mind today. And this is a slow day. What's on your mind?

The Heart Of Franklin

2010-09-11T22:59:00.000-07:00

They say/I believe that the kitchen is the heart of the home. Franklin (our home) has a GREAT heart, err.... HAD a great heart. What was supposed to be an angioplasty of sorts; same heart, just cleaned out and made to have better function, ended up to be open heart surgery. Some might argue that it's a heart transplant.

Everyone has their own dreams and Lord knows I've had my fair share of ~~unrealistic~~ super big dreams. And we all know that my kitchen dreams are very *advantageous*. Sometimes this is what I thought my kitchen would/could look like, on a smaller scale and MUCH smaller budget:

Totally doable, right?

Maybe a little of this too:

Oh, I can at least say I DO have these floors. Not in the kitchen, but I have em!

This wouldn't suck either:

Can we talk about the food that I would crank out in this kitchen?!?!

Again, my budget and footprint is smaller. And I am very okay with that. We have ALWAYS felt "less is more" and that always spills over to our buying style. I love creating a room that evokes the SAME feeling, (on MY budget) that these rooms do... It's a whole "Oooh... Mommy likey!" type of feeling.

Back to Franklin. He's the best. We love him. We I think that his kitchen BEFORE was beautiful. Not in the aesthetic sense, but in the "I know love went into the meals cooked in here." type of beauty. Memories are made in the kitchen, and this one is NO exception. For 40+ years the previous owner, a single mom of 4, fed her family out of this kitchen. For the next 40 years we'll feed our family from this kitchen.

Franklin's heart looked like this when we moved in:

This was Franklin when we adopted him.

Aw! Where did it go? Yes, the kitchen is behind those walls.

This is Franklin in more recent times:

It really was like playing peek a boo!

Granted, there's been a few (hundred) changes to the kitchen since this pic, but all in all, that's it's current state! Minus some walls you see here, minus a ceiling, minus.....

So, we put our dreams on paper, we pieced it together to fit our budget; we've shopped at outlets, liquidators, second hand shops, ebay, back alley warehouses- all in the name of a good deal! And we've pledged to do 97.9% of it ourselves, saving thousands and thousands in labor. Our only help will be with plumbing (moving laundry to basement) and with that, Kurt will be working along side of the plumber. We might enlist a neighbor to help with running the 220v for laundry downstairs. And of course our counters will be installed for us, other than that.. it's our baby. And like all our babies, we're hands on and doing it ourselves!

Hang drywall
Install can lights
Install decorative *schoolhouse* lighting
Hang drywall
Tape, mud and texture walls
Open up a doorway, or two.
Install cabinets
Install new flooring (will it be cork or will it be wood? If it's wood you get to watch me struggle through sanding/staining old floors and installing/staining new floors to match)
Install trim/baseboards
A pluthora of other things........

Here is a (rough) *rendering* of our plan:

There are a few things I should point out:

The fridge will have a finished piece/cab/something on top
Our ceilings are NOT that high. All upper cabs will go to ceiling of soffit.
The range/peninsula will have a wall behind it- no floating ranges in this kitchen. The wall will come up about 4 inches higher than counter tops to allow for a "periscope" vent to "pop up" behind the range for ventilation.
The "butlers pantry" has an upper and a microwave cabinet to the right of it and a wine glass rack below that.

If this were an actual picture, I'd be standing in the dining room. The doorway to the right is to the front room, the doorway straight ahead to the right is to the powder bath and den. The doorway out the butlers pantry is to the backyard.

So, it's beginning. Like really starting. Next week is finish up electrical work, move laundry to basement, drywall/tape/mud/texture, after we pull cabs/countertops/backsplash. It appears that our kitchen will reside in the garage and office for a bit.

Who does this? With three kids? One who's returned to head banging, hitting, kicking, tics and rocking in corners by himself. I won't name any names, but it rhymes with Mavin and this certain someone has the bluest eyes you've ever seen and holds my heart in one hand and my worry for him in his other. "Mavin" will also help with the construction of the kitchen. It's kinda his thing. The other two can care less. Because of this ~~personality flaw~~ discovery we're ordering DNA tests. We're not sure they are really "ours".

Stay tuned for updates on the status of our marriage DURING the remodel, the condition of our children and how many times God's name is used. Not in VAIN silly, just in prayer. They'll be LOTS of prayer.

Hitting the ground running!

2010-08-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

If you know me, you know I LOVE to jump into things. Except the lake. I am more than convinced that things like this live right below the surface:

See? I know! You aren't going in lakes anymore, right? I can see it now, "Home Blogger instills fear in millions, Lake Powell sees 75% drop in visitors." What's funny is that less than a million people read this blog, and the few that do probably do NOT share my fear of lake scum mutated piranhas.

Anyhow, other than lakes, deep oceans and shallow ends of pools, I dive into things. It's probably because I will lose interest very very quickly if I don't keep the excitement going, implement the idea, continue seeking the answer, ect.

Well, the one thing that I don't dive into, not because I'll lose interest, but because I'm always kinda wading in it anyhow, is my faith. That's never absent. Maybe it's not always apparent or "out there", but that's sometimes a good thing. I think I get a little "Tazmainian Devil" like with my "God is Great" schpeel. And really, no one wants that. I wasn't blessed with an eloquent way to talk about God. I get all puffy eyed and start crying, my hands fly around, I spurt out a bunch of basics about Christianity that EVERYONE knows, I'll sob heavily after sharing one or two things He's done in my life and then say "Hey, you should come to a bible study with me." And they all say "Uh, yeah, I'll do that."

But, I feel a little like I've been out of the water, baking, drying out in the hot and humid weather of life and just now realized that it's way COOLER in the water! So, I'll dive back in. When I do this with my faith, I get FREAKED out because, well... I hear a voice. You know who's voice too. His. It doesn't come in the form of a James Earl Jones type voice saying "Deanna, adopt 17 orphans...." No, it comes when I close my eyes. It looks like a ticker across the bottom of the TV screen. And I know the difference between MY words and HIS. I can EASILY make ANYTHING happen or feel like "it was meant to be"- we all have that ability. But, His words are simple. Mine are not. Remember, I can't tell a short story. I have commentary, addendums, adjectives galore! He just has directives: Just do what you do. Love more, think less. My plan, my will. Trust me. Trust yourself for I made you perfect, if only in my eyes.

It's usually so simple, I can't mistake it for my own.

So, when I start listening, better yet, reading, what the plan for my life is I freak out, because while the words are simple, the plan never is. So, usually I go on ignoring the hard parts. What? Like you've never dodged a task!

I'm at a place where the excuses are lessened, the road is clear of debris, my senses have been sharpened to the see those that hinder me and my heart washed of fears that restrained me. However, it feels like I am without shoes, without a map. I have everything in me I need to start the journey, but the walk won't be comfortable and I don't like to do things that make me uncomfortable!

Sigh........... Someone get me my shoes. And a GPS. I'm ready this time, but we're gonna have to go slow.

Days Go By....

2010-08-19T21:43:00.000-07:00

It's really amazing how quickly time flies... So, here's a recap of our last weeks including the first day of school!

Special Kitty. Nothing new with her except that she's taken to clawing faces on a semi regular basis. She is available if you find yourself in need of a independent kitty who doesn't need to be bothered with things like love.

Kurt's channeling his inner monkey and living life in trees lately.....

But for good reasons! Everyone loves a tree swing!

There was some skipping rocks along creeks.....

Brennon hanging on to EVERY word that Mikey says....

The Bean channeled her maternal instincts and pushed a stroller. On the way home, after leaving Mike and the boys she RECONFIRMED she's not having kids. This might be the ONLY glimpse we see of it! ;)

There was some hoola hooping at Little Man Ice Cream. Our Little Man season is coming to a close here soon, though we've heard the soups they serve during the Fall and Winter are great- maybe this good thing doesn't have to come to an end!.

Ug, must he grow up?

Some reading time with Mrs.Greenhouse

It's very important to wear a bike helmet and gardening gloves when operating a saw.

There are many many words I could use to describe this but the words SO.STINKING.CUTE are the best! She made a pencil holder and loved every minute of it.

The boys worked on G's together. This definitely brought them closer together.

First day of Middle School! If he continues at this pace, he's going to not be allowed in high school because he'll have surpassed the "good looking" threshold. I am not sure they are supposed to be this cute at this age. School is as much of a challenge this year as it has been in any year, but this year he LIKES going to school. I'm so in love with him and committed to helping him find his way.

We watched as the neighbors released pink balloons to the birthday boy in heaven who passed away just before we moved on to the street. We know we'll get to meet Drennen in heaven someday and until then we'll just enjoy the stories about him that we hear, sounds like a phenomenal kid.

We took a impromptu hike the day before the kids started First Grade. Maxwell Falls is a place we've not gone and WHOA! We were sure missing something there! It took us about 4 hours with the kids- it was rocky, a good incline and long, but they did it and we got back down very proud of the twins. Here are some more pics of that day....

It was a great day!

The first day of FIRST GRADE!!!!

The neighbor a few houses down had a pancake breakfast on the first day of school for all the Franklin Circle kids! It was SUCH a great time, the kids loved it!

Jules and Gavin went for 2nd's/Kids from the 'hood!

The walk begins... it starts at the top of the circle and grows until all kids are picked up and headed to school.

The kids happily posed for 452 pictures. :) We're so blessed that these kids are our neighbors!

All in all it was a good summer, though we're THRILLED to have a routine back in our lives with school. It's clear that this year will be a challenge for the boys, so as usually I'll be knee deep in helping them succeed, so please forgive me if I fall off the face of the earth, again!

As you can see I included ZERO pics of the house. That 's because I have ZERO to show you! We decided that the kids summer shouldn't be ruined because Mom and Dad bought a fixer upper. Since they started school on Monday we have got SO much done, in comparison. SO, the before and after pictures should start flowing here soon.

Here's our TO DO list for the immediate future, as in now through the years end:

Plant greenery
Build Board and Batten Shutters
Paint front door
Lay resilient flooring in our foyer and kitchen
Install baseboards, still deciding between 5" and 7".
Paint lower cabinets, "Mushroom"
Paint upper cabinets, "Cottage White", remove upper doors on cabinets
Find "unique" piece of furniture for kitchen island
Stain and Install butcher block island
Replace existing perimeter counter tops, sink, faucet
Install backsplash
Investigate soffits, remove if able, cry if not
Change lighting in kitchen, maybe pull ceiling to install can lights
Replace all appliances
Remodel ~~most awkward~~ powder bath
Install board and batten, almost everywhere
Paint: Living Room, Dining, Kitchen, Foyer, Powder, Den, Office, Upstairs Hall
Install woven wood roman shades
Complete kids rooms
Paint stairs and install "unique" railings

And THAT is it! ;) We'll see where we get with the list.

Cravings. Arse kickers.

2010-08-05T21:56:00.000-07:00

Wanna know what a girl about to embark on a nutritional journey craves? Well, I guess the pic is a dead give away. Here's the kicker.... Ask me how many time a year I eat buffalo wings? Go ahead... Keep guessing, I'll wait..... Uh huh... Yeah, you'll probably not guess "<1 times a year", I'm assuming. If you did, congrats- you know me!

Every once in a blue moon I eat buffalo wings, but wouldn't you know it, the time I think to myself: "Self, what are you going to miss the most while you embark on this journey?" I responded, to myself of course, WINGS! Buffalo Wings!

Crazy talking to yourself woman say what? That's some sort of silliness right there... But, I guess it's a funny thing when you realize you can't have anything you want, you start to yearn for things you didn't even really like in the first place! Damn psyche. It'll get you every time.

Well, peeps, it's true... I'm embarking on a nutritional journey. While I LOOOOOOVE the ~~unattractive~~ awesome ability to look 6 months pregnant at any given time, I say it's HIGH TIME I figure out, again, what exactly my body/tummy doesn't like. There's a little more to this, but, that is a great benefit that I am focusing on. Foods that tend to be in the "Inflammatory" category. Kabillions of people eat these foods daily, and well, I am sure that many of them don't swell up and end up doubled over in pain. Then there are the usual culprits of "less than desirable" health issues, and well, why not cut those babies out too? I'm a "just to see if I can" type of person. Now, the next time my kids shove an entire bag of cotton balls down the drain, I'll remember, "Oh yes, you are MY offspring" Who doesn't like a game of "Just to see what happens"... This "Bill Nye The Science Guy" loving girl finds that to be a perfectly good way to spend a bit of time.

So, without further ado....

For ONE week, I will NOT consume any of the following:

Sugar, Honey, Syrup, High Fructose Corn Syrup

Sugar Alcohols, Sorbitol, Mannitol, Xylitol or Malitol

Artificial sweeteners including stevia

Alcohol

Caffeine (Green Tea being the only exception)

Fruit Juice

Yeast, fermented foods like vinegar

Dairy

Eggs

Gluten

Corn

Beef, Pork, Lamb

Nightshades: Tomatoes, Potatoes, Eggplant, Bell Peppers

Peanuts

All Flour products

Processed/Box Foods

Air

Okay, the last one I added.. but that's kinda what it feels like. Granted, a fair amount on this list are things I don't eat alot of anyhow, but still...... there are some arse kickers in here.

But Deanna, what will you eat? Yes, that was me asking myself a question... because that is kinda what went through my head!

Well, without further ado....

I can ENJOY:

h2o

Fish- NON-predatory only

Organic Chicken

Fresh or Frozen NON citrus fruit, ideally BERRIES only

Fresh Veggie Broth (homemade with a bunch of goodness like rutabagas, knobs of ginger, radish root and greens, dried shitake, plus some "normal" things....it's actually tasty...)

Legumes, Beans

Brown Rice

Nuts (no peanuts)

Ground Flaxseed

Lemons (for h2o)

Yup... oddly enough the list for what I can ENJOY is a wee bit smaller... but, fear not. This isn't some sort of uncharted territory for me, I've eaten from this small of a list before.... It doesn't bother me, really and after about 2 days I am thanking myself for taking the plunge. And after about 8-10 days I am really wanting a caprese salad! BUT, what happens in the week that I explore only a super clean diet is I rid myself of alot of unwanted "inflammation", toxins and ideally some habits I've picked up along the way. I can generally avoid bad habits if life is "cool".. but alot of the time life isn't cool. SO, I have devised a plan for those "uncool" times... FOOD will not be the outlet. The "Typical American Diet" WILL seem like something I'd only do if I was forced and I can now happily embark on a journey of clean eating while I plan my very short sabbatical from it, ON OCCASION. I'll slowly reintroduce various things, not too much though (ideally not the corn syrup, refined sugars) back into my diet. This will ALL come to a screeching halt as soon as there is some holiday where I might want to enjoy turkey, mashers and gravy!!! The ONLY difference, I am hoping for THIS time is that I can fall off the wagon and not lie next to said wagon, flopping like a fish, in rehab waiting for my next fix. Of gravy! This is the norm.... I do hope that I can, in a very lady like fashion, step off the wagon, sit down to a traditional meal of buffalo wings and beer and then quietly get back on the wagon..... I do SOOOO well, for SOOOOO long... then BOW! Anyhow, I regress.....

I'll also bathe in an "Ultra Bath" of Epsom salt, baking soda and lavender oil daily. Oh, and I can enjoy "shakes" made of rice protein powder, flax, berries, h2o and almond butter.

It's drastic to some, a daily occurrence to others.. none the less, it becomes 2 weeks of my life starting this month... sometime this month. Soon.

Right after a trip to Wild Wings.

And the liquor store.

Not only a dream house, but a dream neighborhood

2010-07-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

I'd love to pretend like I am hiding a million before and after pictures and will just unleash them one day and it will all be fabulous! Not so much.

We HAVE been working on the house, it's just not picture worthy yet. Projects are mid way in the start to finish race and well, as I finish, pictures will be taken!

My computer is on the fritz too... that never helps.

So, thanks for staying tuned, thanks for emailing me with interest!

We have met (most of) the neighbors. Everyone is so nice and we can't help but feel VERY blessed for being led to this street.

Like Norman........

2010-06-17T08:53:00.000-07:00

Of all our neighbors I've met (so far), my most memorable moment has been Mr. Norman Greenhouse. Mr. Greenhouse is a retired from the Air Force, retired as in 40+ years ago. Mr. Greenhouse is 85 years old. He walks with a swagger and wears a fedora most of the time. He says stuff like "It's a gas!" and "As long as I am around here, we're gonna have fun." He served in WWII, saw Hitlers destruction first hand and was part of the Air Force Philharmonic and many other amazing symphonies. Today the Greenhouses teach music from their home, which happens to be straight across the street from us. I've been told that in the summer time they'll open the windows and the music from his string quartet, jazz band or baby Grand will come sweetly out in to the neighborhood. Wow, that sounds rough... really rough. ;) I can tell we'll enjoy living across from the Greenhouses, very neat people.

When I talked with Mr. Greenhouse in the street the other day we covered a plethora of topics, in about 11 minutes. Random is the only thing that comes to mind. We talked about the following: His cat Figaro, the oil spill, Hitler, Young Frankenstein on stage, summer foliage, music and motherhood.

I walked away thinking, "I'm gonna be good here." If we can cover random topics like that in 11 minutes, we'll get along just fine.

Random, it's certainly a fine way to describe what's going on in my life. I am normally quite on top of things, aware of what's going on, ready to tackle the next project. Well, my friends, not so much this week or month. The house is coming along, uber slowly, but nonetheless, coming along. We've started eleventy billion projects and finished 3. We've not moved in yet and approx. 25 of those started/unfinished projects NEED to be done before we do move in. We've taken out things/bushes/walls we didn't plan on and not gotten to the things we did plan on taking out. So far, I've only regretted ONE removal. That's pretty good for me! It was only a medium/large sized bush that was actually half dead, but I was convinced I could nurse it back to life. We'll, it's life has now ended, it was taken out. The side of the house looks like a construction zone and guess I'll be getting a Bagster from Waste Management. This means moving it twice.... gross yucky junipers we dug out, tons of drywall, nails, 2x4's, carpet, drapes..... you name it, it's on the side of the house.

Anyhow, back to randomness. I REALLY wanted to put out organized before, during and after pics. I REALLY wanted to narrate all of it too. Instead, you're getting a billion before and during pics thrown at you in RANDOM order with short and to the point (say what? short and to the point from me? Woo Wee!) captions underneath. Enjoy- hopefully you leave feeling a little bit versed in what we're doing currently and ALOT versed in how sane we are. ;)

Before Front... just overgrown with uber itchy foliage. You'll have to wait for the after pic on this one.

Before: Front Room

During: Front Room

Our first meal on "new" floors

Lots of paint samples... $20 in paint samples saves hundreds down the road, this *I* know.

Alot of priming.... alot.

Carpet and railings removed from stairs. Those will be painted today and a new railing put up.

The wall between the kitchen and dining room- no mas.

Weird.

It's actually all gone now. We have someone coming out today to rework the water pipes we found to the right of the doorway in this picture. They'll be moved to the left. We'll finish the opening now but remodel the kitchen later this year. But, nonetheless, it will be opened, finished, and the airflow is much improved.

It was hard to let go of 43 year old broken light fixtures... but easy to welcome the can lights we installed...

What? now you don't cross your legs while doing electrical work?

That is it for now... since this we've painted shutters, taken down old storm doors, pressure washed the entire house, ect.... More pics to come. Hopefully some completed stairs today! :)

The House: The short version.... errrr.... kinda.

2010-06-13T21:25:00.000-07:00

I've been attempting to tell a short story since I was 5... but somehow or another I can't manage to tell a short, it's always REALLY long with alot of details. I'll do my best here.

We were due to close on June 2nd. My mom came into town to offer up support and help, in the tune of 10 days! That's alot of help and alot of time. June 2nd rolled around, no closing. The tax credit and low rates have sent most lenders in to a tailspin trying to keep up. Our mortgage guy worked his bum off to get us closed as soon as possible. I know this because I received several emails in the 2am, 3am and 4am hours. FINALLY- June 11th we closed on the home of our dreams. Mom left the next day. :/

(If you are here for the first time, I'll give you a brief (as brief as I get) history. We owned a home, our twins were born early, son diagnosed with Autism and my health started to give way. We opted to sell our home, downsize housing, downsize our vehicles, downsize our life to be able to put any and all we could, financially and physically into Gavin, in hopes that someday Autism wouldn't hold him in the choke hold it was. We were successful, very successful. It was time to move on.... That brings us to today.)

So, June 11th, we closed! My mom, Kurt's mom, Kurt's sister and husband were there with us at the house the first night. We pulled up pea green 40 year old carpet that honestly, was in AMAZING shape for it's age- but it was pea green nonetheless. It revealed BEAUTIFUL hardwood floors. They are in perfect condition and for now, they'll stay how they are. We pulled out 10,456 staples too, the pile of metal was so big I seriously considered recycling. ;)

Here are the before and after pictures I have, (note: I am not a good photog):

BEFORE:

After, as in: key were put in our hand, we sped over and pulled up carpet within 30 minutes:

Yep, told you. Amazing, huh?

That was the first night... Day 2 and 3 got even more interesting.... Stay tuned. :)

Rules! There are always rules!

2010-05-30T06:08:00.000-07:00

Around these parts I have rules (just for myself, no one else really listens to them or better yet, they are making up their own rules). My Sunday rule is simple: Be happy!. Well peeps "I'm breakin the law, breakin the law!" errr, um should have been "breaking the rules". Sorry, just wanted to go all Bevis an...d Butthead for a minute. But, my point is, I'm not in a charming mood. Then I read this. (below)... saw the color and wa la! Snapped out of it. I reserve the right to change my mind on that one, even as soon as 20 minutes from now. But, as of this minute I'm good. Dear Sunday- Hello, fancy seeing you here. If you can promise my kiddos won't be so "kid like" today (just for a few hours even) I can promise you that I'll continue this utterly charming mood I am in. You gotta help a girl out. A girl that hasn't had a span of even 30 minutes to herself in a good long, long while. And it's not looking so good for next month either. So, whisper in their ear, if you will, this: "Your mom is running on empty. Smile at her more than you usually do. Don't fight with each other, just for today, she knows it's part of life. Give her 17 more kisses than normal and make sure you rub noses with her alot today. She won't tell you this, but she needs you as much as you need her. Things are changing in your family and she's doing her best to keep the boat steady for you."..... Thanks Sunday, I appreciate your help and can't wait for our day together. Love, Deanna

Feeling a little less in the woods.....

2010-05-25T17:27:00.000-07:00

Yee haw!

So, had Brennon's GI follow up yesterday. All the "bad" tissue is G.O.N.E. Like, seriously gone. Like, the condition has reversed itself. Like, we went from BAD, very BAD, to pretty good. He's not out of the woods. Tissue and cellular changes lead to cancer, eventually and every time. He has to make this esophagus last for another 85+ years, so the changes constantly need to be monitored. His surgery fixed alot of it, but, not all of it and we've been walking on eggshells for a while now.

BUT- for now, he simply has an inflamed esophagus. And we're switching meds to hope that he'll eventually be free of inflammation and reflux. Either way, he'll be scoped and biopsied yearly- for the rest of his life. I can't say what what 2023 will hold, but TODAY, we're good and I am thrilled with that fact.

AMEN!

The road to Susanville.... that would get you to the right place everytime.

2010-05-21T19:38:00.000-07:00

Story behind the sign, no it's not THAT obvious: May 21st 2009, I leave my Aunt Shanna's house to continue on the drive home on the 80 from CA to CO, with 3 kids, alone. (I know, you've heard that part) I get the call that Susan passed away, the day before I get to her.

The place I get the call is nestled in the redwoods/gorgeous mou...ntain just like Susan loved. So many of the places we've explored in CO were based on her suggestions. SO, the setting is right, and not all that typical of the northern route from CA to CO- the entire time I only saw that environment ONCE, for about 30 minutes.

I hang up, I am a mess. Not 1 mile later a sign says "Welcome to Colfax, California." Susan's closest cross streets were Colfax and Colorado.There was lots of talk about Colfax and the fact that she wouldn't live anywhere else because she "likes some flava in her neighborhood." :) Colfax... Hmmm....

I'm still a mess, getting in to Reno area, finally get a radio station. I turn it up, it's a Foo Fighters song. No, wait, it's a Foo Fighters marathon. Susan and I LOVED Foo Fighters. One night, in 2005 on a whim we both found sitters for our kids and went to the concert, paid up the nose for floor seats (night of) and totally rocked out all night (yes I said totally and rocked out)- we laughed that we both had twins to head home to, but maybe we should become groupies instead.... Had a blast. Was my first concert in years and was my last concert for a long time- the only concert we went to together but we connected ALOT over music.

Back to the drive. So, Colfax, Foo Fighters (all within about 10 minutes of getting THE news). I tell the kids to calm down and help me look for exit 395, that's how we get to our hotel, I've not been in the Reno area since I was 7 so I have no idea where I am going... Where is exit 395??? I'm still a mess, looking for this darn exit. I look up and what do I see?

Exit 395, to Susanville.

Oh how I just wanted to keep driving, we had to get off short of Susanville but sometimes I think if I went back, that road would take me to heaven. No, I am sure of it.

Too many "signs" to ignore. She was with me, period.

Today I thought of her 2 million times, which is exactly double what I normally do on a daily basis. If more than a day or two went by without us talking I'd call and ask if we broke up or she'd call and say "Girl, I feel like you moved and didn't tell me." There are days when I wonder how I'm going to get my dishes done and kitchen clean without talking to her, we'd talk for an hour while we both cleaned. Her kitchen was smaller than mine, and I know sometimes she'd just lie and say she was still cleaning- we had a deal, we had to get off the phone when it was done. I can say my kids haven't had a good hair cut since she passed and I've not laughed as hard as with anyone else since she passed. I've not had a 1 hour conversation about how brilliant covering your dining chairs with candy apple red vinyl is and how Sherman Williams paint colors will change your life.

I miss her dearly, but today was a good day. It was filled with some sorrow, but mostly love and adoration for one of the most beautiful women I've ever known. She touched my family in a way that left quite an impression. She inspired me to do so many things, and will probably continue to do so for the rest of my life. Mainly in the type of mother I am.

There's one place we talked about going before she passed. Well, actually, lots of places, Africa and Poland were on our immediate list... but we had some local plans too, last summer we were going to hike St. Mary's Glacier together. She had before, with her family, but we were headed up together for my first time.

This Sunday I'll see St. Mary's Glacier, and somehow or another I believe and hope like crazy I'll see Susan too.

Susan, I love ya, miss ya like something fierce and will see you on the other side. Godspeed my friend.

5 had nothin on 6! Juliana and Gavin's Well Care exam

2010-05-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

Juliana and Gavin are taking the world by storm! :)

Today they had their 6 year well care visit with the one and only, Dr. Brian. We started seeing him recently with Brennon and well, he's "my people". We're so fortunate to be surrounded by such awesome docs, sometimes it just takes a little bit extra to find them!

Anyhow, I'll start with Gavi.

Gavin Joseph: Weight- 48lbs (up 7.5 lbs from last May) which is 50th percentile for weight He is 46.75 " (up 3.5" from last May), which is the 60th percentile for height. He has 'perfect vision' and a healthy blood pressure of 86/50.

Dr. Brian was happy to hear (from Gavin's own mouth ;)) his favorite meal- Chicken from the BBQ with squeezed lemon and pepper on it, broccoli and cous cous.   He also told Dr. B that he likes to drink water and sometimes, not alot I let him have a soda. (I often wonder if he's listening... guess so!) Obviously Dr. Brian is happy with his diet. I did share that they occasionally get "McPukes" but he said "As long as that's not what he says his favorite meal is- I'm good."

Gavin will see a Pediatric Gastroenterolgist here soon, likely, Dr. Stathos (B's doc) for his apparent reflux issues. With more than one documented case of Barrett's Esophagus in our family, I will NOT mess around. So, hopefully this summer we've got him in for a scope and on appropriate meds.

Dr. Brian is going to help us with some "Self Hypnosis" (yes, I am that kind of mom) with Gavin regarding his nighttime bladder issue. He's still young and a boy- so it's not odd that he's going still pottying at night. But, if it doesn't subside later this summer, we'll give "Self Hypnosis" a try. Might give it a try for attention/behavior stuff too.

So, all in all, he looks good. Ears, throat, eyes all checked out. No tonsil issues and says he looks like a very healthy boy.

Juliana Irene: Weight - 34.5lbs (up 3 lbs from last May) which is under the 3rd percentile. She is 42" (up 3" from last May), again, under the 3rd percentile. She has 'perfect vision' and a healthy blood pressure of 94/58.

Juliana shared with Dr. Brian her favorite meal is "cous cous and vegetables" and that she LOVES watermelon (which is good- we just planted some! And sometime in August we'll have a ton of it. Can you say Watermelon Granita??!?!).

Juliana will see the ENT here soon. We've had some concerns with her heart rate while sleeping and seems to have apena spells. He checked her out and found that while her heart rate was good today, what we've described and based on what he sees with her tonsils (not large, but adenoids probably are) sounds like Sinus Arrhythmia. Once she sees the ENT, he/she could refer us to a Cardiologist if things don't get better immediately. But, in the mean time she'll probably need her adenoids removed. They do everything they can to NOT remove tonsils these days, so we hope the adenoids do the trick. I asked if her weight could be related to a possible heart issue, he said "Without a doubt and considering there is concern with the apnea and snoring- it's very likely there is something there affecting her weight." So I do hope we get some answers there so my heart can rest easy.

All in all she looks good, healthy, just small- but well proportioned, which as Dr. Brian puts it, is far more important that her weight or height.

SO- to sum it up- they look good and are on the right track!

Try to stop me! No seriously, please, try to stop me!

2010-05-19T15:08:00.000-07:00

Just when things get comfortable I like to spice it up a bit. I wish I'd stick to the staple "spices", but my version of spice comes in the form of "chaos". I have hopes that my first triathlon isn’t chaotic, but if you pair it with everyday life around here- it might resemble something that looks ~~a wee bit~~ ALOT like chaos!

I am going to race in the Tri For A Cure this year. Every year the Susan G. Komen Foundation organizes a triathlon to raise awareness and funds to contribute to finding a cure for breast cancer. As you might know, I have many family members who’ve been affected by breast cancer. SO- this seemed like a fine inaugural race to join in on. I’ve “eyed” this particular one for a while.

I’ll be racing in memory of:

My Granny, My Nana (though she didn't pass until her 90's she battled breast cancer earlier in her life), Vesteen (next best thing to a Grandma) and my "Aunt" Vicky.

I’ll also be racing in honor of the ladies who are survivors:

Mimi, Aunt Shanna, Aunt Margie and Aunt Connie

I’m scared, excited, anxious and overall inspired! While I’ve always been a fairly active person, enjoyed strength training, running, sports, ect- a RACE is not something I’ve ever thought I’d do. Just not "my thing". But lately, “my thing” has been in a wee bit of a makeover stage, shall we say….

The whole point of any race is to TRY to win, right? Well, I am changing the rules, just for me. My point of this race is to FINISH. Period. I’ll be swimming a 750 meters, biking 11.4 miles and running 3.1 miles. That makes this girl laugh, well, because I’ve never attempted a race of any of these single events! But, if I can do these things individually then surely, with training, I can do all three. Matter of fact, I am sure I'll be a world famous triathlete before you know it!

Just kidding. Kinda.

This is certainly a *bucket list* thing. Susan and I talked about this hypothetical list not long before she passed away- I can still hear her say "Girl, then do it! Do all the things on the list. You better!" So, I am. But it's also something I want to prove to MYSELF. My health concerns do one of two things, make me want to lay down and give up OR get up and stare it in the face and say "NOT NOW. This is MY time. You can wait." And what a fine way to make my latter point. Regardless of how much I enjoy it or hate it, if I skip across the finish line or if they have to drag me, I’ll be very proud of my accomplishment and hope that this is another entry in my book on building a legacy that my children will be proud of one day.

So, because I am a special blend of crazy I am adding "Triathlon" to my summer menu. On top of kids, therapies, sports, remodeling a home, joining the Junior League of Denver, my extended volunteering plans, and a few other little surprises in there, like after the race I hope to start training for a fitness competition, again (shhh!)... crazy mama, say what??? Until then I'll stick to the summer menu and knock this one out of the park!

If you are SO inclined, I am fundraising for the Susan G. Komen Foundation (click on the link below and you'll be taken to my donation page). No amount is too small and I promise to honor your donation in every stroke, stride or peddle. Thank you in advance!

http://www.active.com/donate/triforthecure10/deannadivino

Psst! I've been hiding something!

2010-05-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

So, I have to tell you something. I've been kinda protective of it, kinda momma bear like. Maybe it's because we've had so many things "fall apart on us lately. Maybe it's because I don't believe it's true. Maybe because regardless of how true it is, I am more than sure it will be pulled out from underneath me.

Here it goes. I'm in love.

Crazy, I know. Especially coming from a woman who's been married for a while.

Well, I'm in love with a stripper. No, just kidding. I am in love with pea green carpet. No, seriously. Not kidding. I am.

It actually comes "free" with the purchase of a 1967 home. And as a bonus gift we get an original 1967 kitchen. Yes, just one month ago we were hootin and hollerin about a brand new kitchen, head to toe- everything new, everything pristine, everything..... working? (enter record scratch here....)

Yes, we're under contract (again) on a home. This time i'ts not a beautiful new home, it's a old home. One that was indeed, well loved, well taken care of and well..... old.

There is something about the "old" ones we like. Maybe I finally see what those young boys see in "Cougars". Experience, wisdom, to fuss, no expectations.....

I see an old house and I have no expectations. It is just what it is until I put my mark on it. My mark is my brand. My brand is my soul. If you know me, you know this is a (nother) dream come true. I am fortunate to have the husband and children I have. I am lucky to have the family and friends I do. I am thrilled to have been given the opportunity to be here, at home, with my children. I am honored to have a husband that values my desires and wants nothing more for me then to be happy.

I want so much for our family. I could make that "so much" happen in an 100 square foot tent. Or I could make it happen in a brand new home. I can also make it happen AND bring to life/reality our dreams.

we found a home, we love it, it's not pretty right now, but it's pretty right for us.

We've passed inspection, inspection objections and now it's on to appraisal. We are hopeful all continues to go well. If it does this blog will QUICKLY have a purpose. It will have a direction, that direction will be the remodel and update of our 1967 home.

Wish us luck!

The Burbs. No mas.

2010-04-25T14:17:00.000-07:00

If you scroll down a few posts... go ahead, I'll wait.

Great, you're back... Well, if you were there, for real, you would have read all about the beautiful hole we were anticipating as our basement. It was a great home, with a lot of touches of us thrown in. It was in a area that is chock full of families, good schools and new homes mixed with a quaint area of old, known as Downtown Castle Rock. We were excited about the prospect of being part of the area, making it our own.

Why all this "had", "was", "were" talk?

Well, the "Operation Move to the Suburbs" has been cancelled. Don't get me wrong, we're not moving to a loft in the city by any means. And I do realize that we're just possibly moving to a version of the suburbs circa 1960's.

Why you ask? Well, simply a choice in the direction for Gavin's benefit, our souls and the overall well being of our family. I am nothing if I am in doubt of a decision I've made. I spent many a night wondering if we were doing the right thing for Gavin, when the budget crunches came up, when the teacher made the first of many calls it was like LIFE was knocking on my door with two trays, under one was "The assumed safe road" the other was "The road less traveled, yet, familiar to us". Both carried a promise of joy, all in it's own way.

But, one had a smidgen of surety that I can't express. It is mainly over the school opportunity. There are just schools that are known for a certain approach to kids like Gavin. Gavin isn't extreme by any means. However, we're still in a window of opportunity with him. We can still go either way. Many a time I've heard a parent speak of their child at this age, they backed off, assuming all was going well, and BAM! it all came crashing down in 1st, 2nd, 3rd grade.....

We're just not interested in seeing a crash. And it's not to say that we would be if we continued the course we were on. At all. But if WE are confident in our choices we make for our children, our children will be confident in us- it creates unity, peace, harmony- all things that are imperative to our home life, if not any ones home life.

The school district is an amazing one, top of the line, for sure. However, one size does not fit all.

As of right now we've walked away from our contract and decided that we'll focus on one particular area that offers up a trio (elementary, middle, high) of schools that we feel is a good fit for our kids, not just Gavin. It's undetermined if Brennon will continue where he's at or not, but we're working on it!

We'll refocus on our old area, Southglenn/Arapahoe High. We're not sure where we're headed although we have some good ideas and it may or may not include pea green carpet and original 1960's kitchens.

We're excited, we really are. We're always at peace with our choices when they are made with my two favorite things- heart and gut. And heart and gut is what we'll proceed with.

Zee most beautiful hole in zee world!

2010-04-07T15:50:00.000-07:00

We have a hole, we have basement walls!

I know, it's a hole, in the burbs. Maybe you don't dream of that.... I generally don't either, or didn't, I DO however, dream of our next home, being a reflection of us. Well, the interior at least! HOA's don't exactly enjoy "individuality" on the exterior! :) Hopefully they won't notice what I plan to do immediately after closing! Shhhhh! No snitchin' allowed here! Nonetheless the next phase of our life has become real, it can be touched!

The long awaited HOLE and basement walls!

Get excited! Or don't. Either way we are. We have the start of a house! I believe they've taken down the supports, we've not been down to check it out in a few days- which is a record for us! We'll see it tomorrow!

We plan to bury a few bible versus in the foundation of our home, this is one:

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.”

Matthew 7:24-25

There are a few others as well that will placed on headers, in the walls of select rooms. :) We're committed, in a way we've never been before, to building our house on the foundation of what God intended for a family. Isn't that easier said than done?!

Dear Bloggy

2010-03-30T21:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Bloggy,

I am so sorry I've forgotten about you. Nooo... for reals........ Well, okay. You're right. I didn't really forget about you, I was hoping you didn't notice. It is just that I have a million pictures to share and the cat ate the cord and I can't down load them and sometimes I think it sucks when blogs don't occasionally have pictures. Well, mine sucks when I don't have pictures. ;) And we've had a family member in from out of town and I tried to die a few times. Just a cold, but still- you never know when you've found the ONE!

I do promise however that you will be updated once a week from now on, starting this weekend.

I do hope you'll hang out. I have ALOT of exciting news about zee new home! :) :) :) :)

And sometimes you realize you just suck.

2010-03-14T18:46:00.000-07:00

It's true. What? You don't wake up somedays and wonder why your mom didn't name you Bissel or Hoover? Hmmm... guess I'm airing all my dirty laundry these days.

Anyhow, I was encouraged to start a blog by a few VERY successful blogger bloggy friends of mine. The number one rule (according to them- which as far as I am concerned, is as good as gold) is to be YOURSELF. Well, it would be for me to be MYSELF. You be you, I'll be me- that sort of thing.

Well, I suck at being me. VERY few know "ME". Kurt knows me. My brother knows me. ~~My friends~~ A few of my friends know me. And really, I like it that way. Or maybe I like NOT scaring people. Yeah, that's it.

So, I'm deciding to be more "me". If you like it I hope you'll visit here often. If not, I'm okay with that too. For the most part.

Followers? Really?

2010-03-11T07:55:00.000-08:00

Thanks to those who emailed me. I wasn't convinced that anyone really followed this blog, regardless of my stat counter email said! :) It didn't occur to me that people OTHER than friends or family might actually follow, so I didn't mean to leave you in the dark my bloggy world friends! Yes, all is well here on the home front!

Zee home is on zee market. It isn't fun.

I know many of you have sold a house, or two or seven. It's just constant upkeep. You never know when someone will want to see it RIGHT NOW! It's been a week, we've had 2 showings and have 2 more scheduled for today and tomorrow. Feedback has been good, size just seemed to be the barrier. I can't blame them, it's not a huge townhome, but it is ENOUGH for the right person. We'll see. If it doesn't sell, sounds like my mom and Bob will rent it out.

We're knee deep in Home Audio choices... our home comes wired with some cool stuff, other stuff we can add. Kurt's in heaven, I'm trying to figure out comparisons. :)

Good stuff.

The special kitty ate my camera cord. I have a BILLION pictures to put up...but..... OH, and the laptop got a virus. I'm on the notebook with itty bitty keys. It's rather frustrating!

All is well with house- have our precontstruction meeting next Tuesday!!!!

Lipstick!

2010-03-03T19:19:00.000-08:00

I think homes can be beautiful with out "extras". It's the little things like door hardware or back splash that I think of as "lipstick"! A beautiful face is a beautiful face- put a little color (no one color in particular) and wa la! It's just a little more finished or made up. Like lipstick, you can go for high impact or a more subtle look.....

So, today I am trying to finish up our last selections in the kitchen- it boils down to cabinet hardware. This subject is a hard one for me. I think it can take you in one extreme direction or solidify the look you were going for.

We've managed to argue our way through the whole thing and wa la. Decided on Kurt's #1 pick- SS bar pulls like you see here:

I'll admit, it wasn't my first choice as I see them EVERYWHERE- but I certainly don't dislike them by any means. I DO like them. I just ~~OBSESS~~ worry about trends and longevity of things. BUT- like the back splash- these are "replaceable" if we tire of them one day. Which doesn't have to happen! And, I LOVE LOVE LOVE it when Kurt gets something that he wants. :) We try to narrow things down- he likes/I like/we like. We will pick heavily from the "We like" category, but make sure to add a few of the other two!

So, we're done. We've finished off our choices and now it's just a "Hurry Up and Wait" song and dance.

Our pre-construction meeting is on the 16th. :) Very excited. We'll walk the lot with the builder and get to see our plot plan- how our home will sit. We're thinking that we'll be higher than the neighbor and our fence will be a bit "low"- (enter groan here). Life will go on. We have some ingenious ideas on how to make things private. Well, private according to the burbs. :)

I am on the market!

2010-03-01T08:33:00.001-08:00

Woo hoo! Well, our home is on the market. ;)

Yikes. If you've tried to sell a home, at least once, you know why "Yikes" is all I can come up with.

All is progressing as planned..... I'll be back soon with some news......

The Beatles had it right: All you need is LOVE.

2010-02-24T22:22:00.001-08:00

I love to listen to stories of other peoples lives. I search for amazing stories, stories of extreme joy and unbearable sorrow. Stories that I can personally sympathize with and stories I could not fathom experiencing. Quite often I whisper the words "I can't even imagine. I have no idea what to say."

If you know me, I am not, evah, evah, never at a loss for words. If you know my husband, he doesn't speak a lot of words. Note, I said WORDS, for he has many thoughts, though he only shares them with a few.

It wasn't until recently I realized that the few words he does have for me are often “… and I love you." It might be "Oh, you are crazy sometimes and I love you." but.. Nonetheless, it's often just "I love you."

When I said "Are you sure you want to marry a single mother??" He just said "Of course, I love you guys."

When I told him that our efforts of growing our family had produced not one but two babies, he just smiled and said " Hmmmm, twins, wow… I love you."

When we listened to the doctors explain that my pregnancy had just reached the level of high risk, not only to the babies but to me, he just hugged me, kissed my cheek and said "We'll be fine, I love you."

When the doctor told us that at this point, my health was at too much risk and that we should just cut our losses at 20 weeks gestation and allow the babies to be born with the intentions to die, I threw a big fit announcing that I would stay in the hospital for months, stand on my head to make it to exact moment that is was safe to deliver the them. He only smiled, nodded in understanding and said " Well, I love you......"

When I called him to tell him that the babies would be born in moments, he rushed to the hospital after a long night at the firehouse and held my hand and ONLY said "It will be okay, YOU are their mom, that's why they'll be okay and I love you."

When we were told that they had less than 30% chance of survival and less than 10% chance of a normal life, I cried, he said "It's okay, I love you."

When we stood over our daughter on the day that we were told it was likely to be her last, I kept saying "I can't do this...." He just said "Yes you can, yes she can, I love you."

Years later when we were told that our son did indeed meet the criteria for a diagnosis of Autism and I declared we had to give up everything we had and pour everything in to our son, he just hugged me and said "Okay, I trust you. We'll get him through it, I love you."

When we sat there with our oldest son and the gastroenterologist told us the poor condition of his esophagus and that cancer would be something we were constantly running from, I cried and he just said "Hey, we'll beat this, I love you."

When we were told that I have a disease that would steal years of my life after stroke and seizures set in, and take from me my mind and memory.... he just wrapped his arms around me and said "I love you...." while I cried and said “I don’t even know what to say….”.

When ~~just about~~ anything comes up that I need answers to, I need details, I need data, I need information... He doesn't give me any of that, only some version of "I'm not sure, but I love you...." I’ve been known to stomp my feet and say “ I know you love me, but what do I do!?!?!”, and guess what he says? You got it. "I love you".

Kurt doesn't have a lot of words, but maybe he DOES have are the ones that matter the most. Sure, sometimes he's unreadable.... a friend of mine once called him mysterious; I laughed because that made his ways seem very intriguing and a little less frustrating.

Words, thoughts, data, research, knowledge... these are things I am in a constant quest for. I scale mountains hollering out my questions, I do my best to decipher between fact and fiction, and head back down the hill with the answer in my hand to only be sent back up again. I never quite find the answer I am looking for.

Lately I am beginning to realize we're not exempt from unfortunate happenings. I am beginning to agree more and more that "life is an hourglass glued to the table...." What this day will hold is unknown. But I am wondering what life might hold for all of us if we just started responding with LOVE, nothing more, nothing less. Just LOVE. What if, all we expected from each other, was love? Not perfection. Not the answer to life's questions of why. Could it be that the rest is just fluff and filler? I’m left believing John, Paul, Ringo and George did INDEED have it right.

All you need is love.

The selections have been made and now it's a big waiting game!

2010-02-23T20:26:00.000-08:00

Today we finalized our choices for the house. I couldn't be happier with the choices. In the end some products I chose surprised me, but it all felt right. The back splash is one; the white subways that were offered weren't the ones I had REALLY wanted (I am UBER specific and these weren't "true" subway tiles); yet the glass subway tile in a pale, yet warm, gray just begged for a place in my home. Thanks to a particular application we wouldn't damage the counters by taking it out one day, if we grew tired of it, IF. (Granted, the wall behind it would need to be repaired, but... we'll pretend like that isn't the case for now.) This has been Kurt's choice since day one, so that was nice. I was okay with it because I intend to put in woven wood blinds and that will "warm up" the space, PLUS our wood (on the entire first floor) is another warm element. And a teeny tiny bit of glam I can squeeze, I will. ;) It's a classic shape and pattern with a current material. SO, I feel good about it.

Our carpet changed from a berber to a frieze, our vinyl that is in the baths upstairs changed, sink, bath countertops..... all different than we planned on the way there- BUT- we love it!

Here is a collage of our choices. Left is kitchen and downstairs. Right is baths and upstairs.

My main goal was comfortable, casual, and #1- functional. If the product was indestructible (or had a GREAT wear rating) it was higher on my list. :) The floors, counters, cabs (in the kitchen), sink, carpet all fell under that catagory.

It's now just the "waiting game". The home next to our lot, that was a few weeks ahead of us, just began the dig for the basement/foundation this weekend- so we can assume we're a few weeks away from the big dig!

Kurt's concerned about me now. He wonders what I am going to do now that I have all this wrapped up; you see, I may or may not have been ~~OBSESSED~~ very detailed about it all. Well, let's see... um, what's next??? Get this house on the market!?!?!? We've had this deadline with the new place looming.... SO now this can get our full attention and will be on the market as of the 1st! It gets a few months on the market and if it's unsuccessful it sounds as if my mom and step dad will continue renting it out. Fingers crossed that it's snatched up immediately! Yes, in this market. It's possible! ;)

Kiddos are all well. Brennon is in Pueblo with his grandparents (dads side) and the twins are plugging away at school this week. Kurt has a couple of firehouse shifts this week as well. I've tried some new recipes. I didn't post about them. Why? Because they were a special kind of nasty! I wouldn't do that to you! So, more on the deck and I'll share if I run into something noteworthy!

I can't choose!!!! Can you???

2010-02-22T20:39:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is our design center appointment to choose the finishes on our home. I am SO confident in 99.9% of my choices. I cannot be swayed to change them. I love the choices. It's my dream kitchen. BUT- something I am obsessed with- BACK SPLASH! I feel like it's lipstick. No one says you/I have to wear it, but it's a nice finishing touch!

Here are the basics of the kitchen (cabinets, counters, floors):

SO, the 2 last backsplash options:

So, the left is a pale gray glass subway and the right is a white subway.

I question the "longevity" of a glass tile as it seems to have just come on the scene lately. However, a subway pattern is about as "classic" as it gets. SO.. I feel like it will last. However, I love a white subway tile. However, I don't feel confident about the two whites together. I do plan on implementing more gray based colors, so I am not worried about a yellow based color not "going" with my kitchen. There will be ALOT of board and batten around, lots of shiny things. Lots of sand. Lots of earthy/coastal elements. Am I at the ocean? No silly! BUT, I have the awesome rustic beauty of the Colorado Rocky Mountains in my backyard, just gotta step outside. SO, it feels right to implement my first love/other love. Mother Nature at her finest- ocean. Anyhow.... back to back splash.... I don't have a million choices with the builder. So, of course, the 3rd choice is to do NO splash and do my own thing later on. Which may or may not include a calcutta marble in a subway pattern!!! SWOON!

Thoughts??? What would YOU choose!?!?!?!?

Before And After

2010-02-21T15:43:00.000-08:00

I love love love scouring for cheap finds that I can redo.... I've not documented a lot until recently! SO- here is my first Before and After Post!

We didn't have a decent dresser until we ran across this gem at Goodwill! I spray painted it black, updated knobs and wa la! It's my attempt at a "regency" like dresser!

Before

After

I do wish I would have kept the original pulls and sprayed them, but.... this works!

Keepin' it real!

2010-02-21T14:02:00.000-08:00

In the intrest of transparency I'd love to show how "REAL" life is in the Divino household! For me, there is nothing more real then what hides behind and under your range. Yes... for reals. Any chance yours looks like this?

What? It doesn't? Hmmm... well aren't you just the best??? :) Gross, huh? I've never pulled it out. Ever. Nonetheless, the underside of our range as well as everything extending out is currently being methodically attended to. Our attempts at getting the town home ready to go on the market is going slowly... very very slowly. Right now (not RIGHT now, but you know what I mean) I am working on our grout. Scrubbing, stripping, wiping, repeat. But, the end result is quite beautiful.

It doesn't help that while I am making one inch progress per half hour, the kids are making HUGE progress in destroying the other, previously clean, areas. It feels like one step forward and two steps back! Truly, I wonder if this is EVER going to go on the market. Won't someone just take them for a day or two???

Back to work...........

Complete and total confusion!

2010-02-18T09:27:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been SO exhausted from being SO confused? :) That is where I am right now. It doesn't look pretty on me.

Just trying to decide counter tops. You wouldn't think it would be that hard. However, we ultimately don't want to go too yellow, would prefer more "gray" based stuff, however, don't want to create a cold environment. I want to add "greige" (Gray and Beige mixed if you didn't pick that up!) rather than GRAY or BEIGE individually. However, there is a point where all of our choices meet: carpet, cabinets, wood floors, countertops. SO, I feel like they need to go together. Well, the carpet I am finding through the builder doesn't give me a gray based beige or greige option. :( Sad day in DeannaLand.

I love a light gray or white countertop with white cabs. But, do you have to "match"? Couldn't they really conflict with each other? Ug....

See, like that!

Shouldn't be too hard, right???

It's Monday man, it's Monday.

2010-02-15T20:28:00.000-08:00

This week we began preparing our current home to be put on the market. A few years ago my mom and step day bought a town home for us to rent out while we went in to attack mode with Gavin's autism diagnosis. Now, we're/they're ready to sell! YAY. What? No yay? I know, it's scary in this market but it has to be done. We've moved out ~~everything~~ anything that wasn't needed for daily use. I think we underestimated what we use on a daily basis. At this point the kids have nothing left to play with...Yet we expect them to find something to do while it's 1 degree outside and schools out! Ooops. :)

Nonetheless, we're in staging mode. I REALLY enjoy this, alot. I love getting homes to a point of just enough, not too much. But, it happens every time, I wonder why we can't live like this all the time? Oh, I know, I know- it's not realistic. But it's SO purty!

Wish us luck. I'll post some staged pics here soon! Oh, and the model is ALSO very close to being done. I LURVE (TDC style) it!

Sneaky....

2010-02-14T21:39:00.000-08:00

Whew! I have a confession to make. I don't remember ALOT of things. Like this blog for example. It occurred to me tonight "Oh yeah! I started a blog!" :) What ALSO occurred to me is that it is/was (all day long folks!) Valentines Day! When I remembered this I channeled my inner Yiddish person and could only profess- OY VEY! At 6:45pm all you can really do is laugh about it. :) Juliana has been giving us Valentines for about 2 weeks, so when she showed up on the side of my bed in all of her smiling glory and presented me with a Valentines Day card I certainly didn't see this as "out of the norm"! So- Happy Love Day.

Something else that has been playing the sneaky bandit is my roots (no- not the ones on my head!), my one non human love, my basis of decor joy..... You see, sometimes I try to go outside my comfort zone. It's dark out there! There are strange sounds and something keeps tugging at my feet! Why go? Well, I don't know. Where did I go? To the dark side. The dark kitchen cabinet side. It really is a beautiful place to visit, but really, I can't put down my roots there. It's really like so many things in life. There is a market for it. Millions of people love a kitchen with beautiful dark, rich wood. And man oh man, did I love the kitchen we put together. However, it's just not home. I appreciate the beauty in ANYTHING someone puts in to their home. What I love about it the most is that they are surrounded by things they love. Things that make them feel "at home". So, whatever that is, CARRY ON!

I put together a beautiful kitchen with dark woods for our new home. It was gorgeous! It still is. But what it is not is MINE. It's just not right for me/us. One thing that isn't going to get old is my love of white kitchens. I've loved them (or whatever variation of a white kitchen is "in"- it's not your same white kitchen anymore) for a decade and a half- at least! I remember about the time I was getting my drivers license it started- shoot for that matter I remember looking at model homes as a kid with my mom and always liking the white kitchens.... Give me a Christopher Peacock white kitchen and watch me squeal!

Christopher Peacock-esque kitchens!

Now, a CP kitchen is a six figure kitchen. I may or may not have that in my budget. (Giggle) The pics you see in the link do not resemble the size or "level" of kitchen I'll have. :) Just getting that out of the way..... However, the general feel isn't difficult to achieve, lots of basic design rules applied there. Rules I get, rules that sit well with me, rules that define me.

So... I/we're moving on, or back, back to our "roots" that is. White kitchen- here we come!

Feeling the love of this time of year....

2010-02-09T09:28:00.000-08:00

February always brings the fun, love, pinks and reds.

I am feeling especially loving today. Today I am feeling an insane amount of love for my children. I am one who questions everything. Not necessarily in a negative manner, but I like to see what makes people tick. What about that entree did you love? What made you choose to settle down in that town? I like to hear what people invest in, morally, emotionally, ect. I have to say I am invested in my kids. Feels like I sunk all my money in to one market. And, I think that the return on investment on this one will be a good one! ;)

I have alot of questions about my life. The why's, when's, what's often haunt me. Sometimes I wonder if I'll live long enough to answer a few of my questions or if ANYONE ever lives long enough. I have a feeling that a million years wouldn't serve me well.

My questions are ones like:

Could I be doing more?

If it all went away right NOW, have I done enough?

What do I need in life?

It's amazing how children provide you with all those answers. I see them and see that I've achieved so much, there is little else in my life I can do that will "top" being a parent. It's amazing to see them come from little one and two pound babies and grow into little individuals that are larger than life. It's amazing to see their strengths and weaknesses. It's fulfilling to see a little stumble that they recover like soldiers from.

I am seeing the changes in them lately. I've began to wonder if the days that I have those little fingers in my hand are always going to want to be there or if one day they won't want to hold hands with mom. I wonder if I have given them enough "touch"... have I cuddled, hugged, kissed, squeezed, patted them enough? I wonder if they've seen my absolute adoration for them. Can they see it in my eyes? Have I made enough eye contact? Have they seen me be "human" in ways that will allow them to also embrace being "human"? Have I allowed them to cry and feel emotion so that it's a welcome experience in their life? Have I expected them to carry themselves enough so that they learn that sometimes we're our own best advocate? Have I done enough?

Do you ever get the answer to that question? I, sometimes, hope I don't. I'm afraid to get an answer and scale back my efforts because I know "how" it turns out. For now I'll continue seeking out ways to give more and more to them always wondering if it's enough.

Manic Monday

2010-02-08T07:45:00.000-08:00

Well, let's see, this last week I obsessed over dirt. The LOT for our new home was certainly at the top of our list, we got it, signed on it and can move on! I'm going back to my roots on "white kitchens".... I love what we put together for our new home, but wonder if we'll tire easily of it. When we were early in our relationship we found that we both LOVE white kitchens. It's been more than a decade for me and occasionally I think MAYBE I can drift away to the beauty of wood tones in a kitchen, then something triggers in me and BAM! (Emeril style) I am back to my love of white kitchens! So, it's starting again.

This week is full of parent teacher conferences.... wish us luck! :)

Geaux Saints!

2010-02-08T07:28:00.000-08:00

Love this! Congrats to the Saints for winning their first Super Bowl. I think it was an UBER deserving win- for the team AND city!

My Dream...........

2010-02-05T20:17:00.000-08:00

Okay... there are realistic dreams and there are unrealistic dreams. Duplicating this kitchen EXACTLY is unrealistic. Getting this "feel" on my budget, realistic.

Building our current home on 5 acres is unrealistic. Building our home on the bigger flatter lot that we were HOPING would come available- REALISTIC! YAY! They called, we can have the lot we wanted! By locating our home there it secured us a little bit more space, a lot more usable space and a different roof- concrete tile with a lifetime warranty!

We're thrilled. While it will put us back a few weeks, we'll still make it in by the end of June.

In the meantime, I want the above kitchen. I "get" that Carrera marble is not in my future, which, even if it were, I couldn't stomach it right now with 3 kids and myself being the messiest cook known to man. Would make about the same sense as Donald Trumps comb over. So, I love the color here, grays, whites, browns, stainless, ect. I'll figure it out, somehow. :)

Oh, kill me now.

2010-02-01T21:52:00.000-08:00

Okay, to make a really long story not nearly as long as a typical Deanna story can be...... Our builder has several series of homes in our "neighborhood". Of course those range in size and price. We originally were going to build in a certain area in a certain series. We ended up cancelling that and moving "down" one series. We cancelled that one too and then looked at pre existing homes, woke up, especially when our favorite sales person through the builder called and said "You HAVE to see this new model!". They took us back because, well, who wouldn't in this market?

Today, when we went down to add a media cabinet to our contract our sales person extrodinaire, Melanie informed us that our current model will be moved up to the "higher" series, thus being able to build our model on completely different lots. Most of these lots we're not enough for us to move, but ONE was just enough to throw a loop in our plans. It's bigger, flatter, more usable. The catch, the lot is LESS money than our current lot. However, when the house gets "moved" to the bigger series, it will cost more. Not a ton more, but more. But we like the lot more.

Who knows. We may be moving before we even break ground. Gotta throw the ol wrench in every once in a while. Keeps things interesting and "saucy"! :)

Holy Bad Grammar Batman!

2010-02-01T21:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is when I could actually exist in person to many of you so you could understand how quickly I talk. There is usually very little in between breathing, very little pausing and LOTS of run on sentences.

Tonight I broke the news to my hubby that I started a blog. He insisted ~~on reading it~~ that I read it to him. Um, when you can't read your own writing because it's just ALOT of run on sentences and poor poor grammar.

I am apologizing, in advance for this all. However, I do not intend to change in great ways. I talk fast, I write fast. I'll do my best to dot my i's and cross my t's, but.... I can't promise to nottalklikethisandsupersuperfast.

G'Night!

Trying again...........

2010-01-24T14:52:00.000-08:00

If I haven't mentioned it already, we're addicts. If there is a meeting for people who obsessively look at homes, we should certainly consider joining them! I'm guessing well above 100 homes in this search for our next home alone. We even wrote contracts on a couple, walked from those because they weren't "right". At that point we started questioning WHAT exactly WAS right. I am pretty deeply rooted in the idea that outside of moral absolutes, really, anything I do in confidence and with good, well thought out intentions, for myself or family, can NEVER be wrong. Period. Especially since my choices are usually "research based" and very rarely based on "feelings".

If at some point those can be combined- HALLELUJAH!

Yesterday my "fact based" research AND my heart (at the same time!) delivered. A new home has been conceived and will be delivered sometime this summer. We chose a new home in Castle Rock, CO- a suburb south of the Denver Metro Area. If you know me my heart lies with older, well built, smaller homes. However, what lies before that is my family. If I had my way I'd put us in the poor house remodeling a home that has been abandoned and be smiling the entire way... until I realized I ruined us.... Thankfully Kurt is close by to remind me, as well as my trusty worksheets showing me EXACTLY how much my dream home (or worst nightmare) will cost me in the END. That # is uber important. And, if you remember, we're up against some hefty health concerns, security is a very important element. The "ease" of it all doesn't hurt things either!

We had a little list of "must haves", however, we were pretty open to any ideas and figured we'd be led to the right place. Being close enough to the "big city" so that we can continue to enjoy all that it has to offer was very important. Being far enough a way so that we can breathe deep and enjoy the outdoors was also very important. Being surrounded by other young families was a criteria. Good schools, historical and proven positive return on investment exclusive to the area, adequate bedrooms ABOVE ground, updated/replaced mechanical fixtures, solid, ect.... BUT, being close to Brennon's "other" home was the MOST important thing. There obviously other factors, but those were big ones.

We have gone this route before, exactly the same route, but decided the new home wasn't what we needed/wanted. Stepping back really allowed us to see what we had regarding the investment and after looking at some (a million) other homes that were down right FALLING apart... well. It was clear. Thankfully we've been a little flighty regarding the experience.... once we decided that Castle Rock WAS the right place, the builder had recently introduced a new model that I am SURE was mispriced. I didn't mention it to them, but I am more than sure they'll have a 20% price increase overnight. Hurry, go get yours before they figure it out! :)

We chose a lot on a cul de sac that is super close to the elementary school, park, tennis courts and hiking trails. We also chose to go with a smaller lot, specifically one that will be terraced and allow us to create more of a lush courtyard feel with lots of hard scapes in many different materials. We'll have a little privacy, or as much as you can get in the burbs, but are happy we'll only have one house on one side of us, no one behind and no one on the other side. There will absolutely be fast growing hybrid trees planted on the "neighbor" side. Since the amenities were literally a stones throw away, (like really close) we opted to allow the community to water, maintain and provide us with area to run and the kids to play! We love a great courtyard and are pretty excited about it!

Anyhow, yesterday we signed our contract, will put together our interior finishes in the next month or so and then we'll sit and wait and wait and wait. Oh joy. Wanna see me in agony?!?!?! It's coming people, it's coming.

Our home will reside here! We'll go from the marker to the left (wrapped in orange), to the fence on the right and across the back from the corner to the 2nd post from the end on the left. For whatever odd reason, we like pie shaped lots. Something about it!

So, because my doc said to, I am going to start journaling about important things in life. For myself, for my children. I don't know that he meant BLOGGING.. but I am going to take it as that! ;) It's hard to think that (before my time) facts, memories, ect will escape me. I love the written word, I love pictures... they are a snap shot of a time in our life. So, I am going to document every step this journey so that when the memories escape me all I have to do (if I can remember to! haha) is look back! I figured it would be a great way to keep our family updated on everything too! :)

UPDATE: Since this post was written we moved lots..... So, as great as it was, this is not it. :)

PART TWO

2010-01-22T21:35:00.000-08:00

Ok! Got that out of the way... now on to the fun stuff. I named the blog The Domesticated Diaries simply because I GREATLY appreciate the definition of "domesticated"

do⋅mes⋅ti⋅cate

–verb (used with object)

1.	to convert (animals, plants, etc.) to domestic uses; tame. This I get. There was some MAJOR conversion.

to tame (an animal), esp. by generations of breeding, to live in close association with human beings as a pet or work animal and usually creating a dependency so that the animal loses its ability to live in the wild. Again, get it. Who would have thought that after I was given an awesome husband and amazing children that I would never be normal again, I'd lose my ability to return to life as I knew it before. And, much like Garfield would agree, why would I return to the wild when I've got all "this"?!?!

3.	to adapt (a plant) so as to be cultivated by and beneficial to human beings. Well, I don't know how beneficial I am to human beings, I tend to think at times I could be hazardous to your health, but I do hope that my efforts will be beneficial to my children.

4.	to accustom to household life or affairs. This is the point when you realize in life you are WAY more excited to go to Costco then Macy's- consider yourself accustomed to such domesticated life.

to take (something foreign, unfamiliar, etc.) for one's own use or purposes; adopt. I love the adopting of others beliefs, thoughts, feelings and blending them all together to make a family. I have said many times, the 5 of us bring something different to the table, individually, and that is a table I proudly sit at and say "Pull a chair up my friend!"

to make more ordinary, familiar, acceptable, or the like: to domesticate radical ideas. Here's the tricky part. I hope that I can make some thoughts, ideals more ordinary. Something along the lines of putting "work" aside for love. Enjoying life. Slowing down. Considering the environment. Considering your/our environment.

So, if it's domestic, or pertains the the domestication of Deanna, you'll find it here. Things I LOVE:

God
Deep thoughts
Food/Cooking/Healing our body with nutrition
Homes (inside out and up and down, I wanna chat about it)
Decor
Fitness
Animals
The oppressed
Children
Relationships
Weather
Nature
and a big ol list that is ever growing... you'll see.

I feel quite strongly this will be our journey of picking a home, picking a lot, picking our "details", building our home, moving into our home, decorating our home... all that with a sprinkling of the items in the above list. I love to share my thoughts, more so I love to hear the thoughts of others. Please feel free to comment and share!

Love to all.

PART ONE

2010-01-22T20:45:00.000-08:00

PART ONE: Well, it begins. After being told a million times, "You should start a blog." here I am. I should mention that with each suggestion I'd tilt my head to the side like a little dog and say/think "Huh?" But, lately I've seen some benefit to it and thought NOW should be the time!

Why now you ask? Because "Operation: Move to the Suburbs" will be commencing shortly! This is not anything extraordinary, at all. Lots of people have moved to the suburbs, right? Right. I still wonder how many move to the suburbs kicking and screaming. But that story is for another day.... Anyhow, it's just been a super long road for our family. I'll attempt to somewhat condense the ever growing saga:

Mom, of worlds sweetest little boy, meets boy.
Said boy says "I am not gonna be a baby daddy."
15 months later single mom becomes married mom and boy retracts all previous statements and becomes super special step dad to awesome toddler boy.
10 months later mom finds that she's expecting.
1 month later mom finds that she's expecting twins.
2 months later mom is on bed rest full time.
At 24 weeks mom delivers twins weighing 1lb 5 oz and 1lb 9oz.
Sometime over the next 2 years mom and dad will find that baby boy is on the Autism spectrum and has chromosomal abnormalities, find out that oldest boy has a precancerous condition, learn that baby girl has developmental delays and that something is wrong with mom- other than the obvious fact that she's got 2 year old twins and a 6 year old.
Mom and Dad decide to give up everything, house/cars/liberty/security to provide for the boys everything we could. Sell beloved home which we completely remodeled. Move to town home.
In 2009, after 4 years of "what is wrong?" and being told by all too many "it's just stress" mom finds out she has a form of vascular disease affecting her brain and finds that stroke and seizure (no not names of future dogs) are at some point going to be prevalent in ways that aren't good and all too soon. Mom was 31 at time of diagnosis.
In 2009 in an effort to depart the ever shrinking town home that breathed life and opportunity in to our family, we write contracts on 4, yes 4 homes. In the end, none were right for us.
2010 Dad decides life is too short, we've kicked butt and taken names and are moving on. Dad mentions one late night, after a bout of tears he wants to give mom everything he can now, because he isn't sure how much time/quality time we'll have left.
Mom decides that NO ONE really knows what's next in life, but gets the gist and agrees, "Moving on and moving out!"

And here we are today! I'm doing as well as the doctors could have hoped and time is on my side. Most people with this illness are 60+. I've made radical changes to my life with many many more on my list of things to do. We can only hope that my diagnosis at 31 will be to my advantage.

Nonetheless we've decided to pick up the home search again. We've looked at old houses, new houses. I work up spreadsheets, cost benefit analysis', return on investment worksheets, and put pragmatic analytics to work making sense of anything and everything that we stepped foot in to. Being a family of 5 on one salary the older home quickly retreated from our grasp. Simply there is much to do and with that comes GREAT reward, but one must really have capital and well, where we DO have that, sometimes I think therapies, nutrition, medicine, treatment FAR out weighs new baseboards/new furnace/updated electrical/ect/. The in between old and new homes of today seem to be VERY exhausted. What ever happened to taking care of your home? Our parents parents generation lived in their homes for decades, if not life. They didn't buy "Starter Homes", they squeezed the family of 7 in to 900 square feet and felt the absolute joy of home ownership. Today, people move in and move up as quickly as Paris Hilton goes through boyfriends. I can't say I've only had one home either, but, simply put, due to divorce, illness, ect I've left the few I've had. Never by choice or because the house wasn't good enough and I'll search the ends of the earth to find THE ONE that we can enjoy until our kids have left us for greener pastures, if God allows.

It's apparent that EVERYONE has an opinion on what is right on this subject- all I ask is to do what is best for you AND to be educated on the subject- because, rest assured, I will. I'll do my thing that is all the while having a VERY open and subjective mind about it. All of it.

I started this blog to follow our home(re)buying experience and the updating, remodeling and fixing of said house!