As fate would have it.....

(From February 2004)

We went to bed as we would any other night. Granted our sleep had been impaired for nearly 4 weeks as the twins were in the NICU, but nonetheless we managed to get some shut eye here and there. I don't recall my dreams or the weather that night. What I do recall is being awakened by a ring a little different than most, in the late hours of the night, by Dr. Paco.

"Mrs. Divino? It's Dr. Pantoja, I am calling about your girl." I honestly thought, that this was it. The phone call. The one we had talked about possibly getting.

Dr. Paco explained Juliana had taken a turn for the worse and they were needing to put her on different respiratory support. This was full support, unlike with the regular ventilator, she breathed along with it, some of her breaths coming from her tiny damaged lungs were hers, not just a machines. But this night she had decided she was done breathing, she didn't want to be any part of it. And somewhere along the lines her heart agreed, it too was done. She had the worst night to date, and as it turns out, the worst night she may ever have. After so many episodes of being brought back to life, in such a short time frame, 11 times in 13 hours to be exact , the doctor is obligated to let the parents know that this was the usual course of a extremely premature body that is telling us, it's too sick, it's too small, it's too weak and it's most importantly too early.

I realize only now, the importance of the words Dr. Paco would say to us next.

"I think you should come down so we can discuss what is best for Juliana in her condition."

We got there in record time. When we arrived no one was around her, which was an unusual sight. We washed up and walked over to the little ones. Gavin looked plump and healthy as he always seemed to. After looking at his chart, we realized he had had a great evening after we left and they were planning on turning down his vent settings, a HUGE accomplishment.

Then there was our girl. Nothing plump about her. Healthy wasn't a word I'd ever use to describe her in her first few weeks and tonight was no exception. We saw the normal perky shade of pink disappear by the minute.... She was grey and lifeless. The new ventilator rattled her little body like a roller coaster. Kurt grabbed my hand and I squeezed his. We've been able to finish each others sentences before, but tonight, no words were spoken and no words needed to be. We knew exactly what each other was thinking. I don't think we spoke for quite sometime.

Dr. Paco went over again the details and asked us what we wanted to do. In his professional opinion, she couldn't and shouldn't go on this way. Every attempt her fragile body made to let go was taking her one step closer to certain brain damage. We agreed it was too much for her little body.

He told us we had a choice to make, when really, we had no say. It wasn't up to us, the doctors or modern medicine to direct this little life. It was up to Juliana and God. We couldn't wrap our minds around what was next. And weren't sure we wanted to. It was almost as if we thought of it, we were letting go of hope and her.

The morning hours came, the nurses changed shifts. We realized later that Dr. Paco was supposed to be at home, but chose to stay with Juliana. In so many ways, we believe that had he left, hope would have left with him. Kurt said he felt like he was in debt to Dr. Paco. There is little doubt that, as he stayed with Juliana, he'd stayed with many little ones before. I have to wonder how many at times.

We knew when the NICU social worker, physiologist and other docs were joining Dr. Paco in his office that it was very possible they were getting ready to speak to us. Turns out we were right. It also turns out that we never had to have that talk.

Kurt and I had spent the last couple hours of what we understood to be the end of her life, *holding* Juliana the best we could. Because we weren't actually able to hold her all we could do was place our hands around her and on top of her. We talked about how much we couldn't wait to really hold her. We told her that her brother was just a few feet away and she should see how adorable he was. We let her know that her big brother thought she hung the moon already, and that he was right. She did. Not only did she hang the moon but she also held our entire world in one hand and our hearts in the other. I told that if she left us, that she'd leave with those things too. We needed her.

Her vitals improved slowly over the next hour. Dr. Paco continuously mentioned his surprise at her doing so well, *all of a sudden*. By the time lunch rolled around Dr. Mark was congratulating us on making it through that night and that she seemed to have turned a corner, amazingly enough.

Kurt and I left the NICU that night and never really talked the previous 24 hours alot until recently. For me to be silenced is unheard of, but that night I was. I didn't run to the nearest keyboard and pour out our experience. And I realize, it was a form of protection.

Kurt said he never really worried about Gavin. I had to agree. I knew he'd make it out of there as I did with Brennon. Even with his serious conditions, I still had faith. But Juliana definitely made us think. We hoped a little more, pleaded a little more, dreamt a little more and prayed a lot more.

There is a poem my E.E. Cummings that comes to mind when I think of that night:

I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart
I am never without it
Anywhere I go you go, my dear
And whatever is done by me is your doing, my darling
I fear no fate
For you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world
For beautiful you are my world, my true
And you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
Here is the root of the root
And the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life
Which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart

In many ways it will stay a secret in our hearts. What we felt that night and what we feel today when we look at her. But what isn't a secret is, the amount of joy this little girl holds. She is the tree called life, our life. She does grow higher than we hoped and she does spend her days amongst the stars.

I wonder who to thank at times. Medicine? Dr. Paco? Our faith? Mostly I thank God for the amazing opportunity of being her mom. But,I thank Juliana every day for being a part of life, here today. At times she makes this family what it is. Other times it's Gavin, Brennon or Kurt. But most of the time it is the works of 5 individuals, each bringing something different to the table. A table I am happy to sit at all the days of my life.

5 Years and 5 Million Memories

 (From January 2009)

Most of you know what time it is… January. The month the babies were born…. I love to write and journal a lot around this time and I like to send it out in hopes that it will do just a tiny bit for you as it’s done so much for me. Maybe it will light the way in a darker world, maybe it will allow you to go back to those times when so few things mattered- where we just celebrated life and each other, maybe it will inspire you to reach for a dream that you thought unrealistic. Brennon, Juliana and Gavin have encouraged me to do all those things (as well as take a long vacation alone one day!) and I thought I’d share a bit of that today! ==========================================================

January 2008

It’s hard to even imagine what sort of memories would have been made in the last 5 years. Clearly many more than I could count.

5 years ago, this week, I checked in to the antepartum/antenatal wing of the hospital at 21 weeks pregnant. I parked there for an indefinite amount of time. My due date to deliver the twins was May 11th. As far as the doctor was concerned, I wouldn’t be leaving that hospital pregnant to try to *relax* at home, I would be there until I delivered the twins, be it the next day or May 11th.

3 weeks later, at 24 weeks gestation my sweet tiny tiny babies arrived, tipping the scales at a little over a pound each. They weren’t concerned with time, or lack of time they spent growing. They weren’t concerned with the obvious effort I had put out trying to keep them where they needed to be. They weren’t concerned with the small fortune it would take to keep them alive. Seems, after all, no one told them how hard it would be. There isn’t a direct line of communication when you’re dealing with babies, seems they are doing exactly what it is that they do- keep you guessing.

It wasn’t mentioned to them they would age their parents like millions of hours of hard labor and millions of hours in the sun- all overnight. No one told them that for 4 months in the hospital after being born they would break many hearts, pick up the pieces and mend those hearts all together again with unexpected successes. Someone forgot to mention that they would hold the hearts of those same two people (known as Mom and Dad), in the palms of their tiny hands. I don’t think they knew what those two people felt for them, or what their arrival made those two people feel for each other. They never anticipated what those two people would feel like when they got *the call*.

No one mentioned how hard it would be. Juliana and Gavin had no clue. They just did what they needed to do.

But I had a different idea; I knew how hard it would be. I was prepared for round 2 of the extended NICU tour as I just did it with Brennon 4 years prior. BUT- I had done it once, and told myself I could do it again. Or could I? Surely the second time around would be easier. It was not, the two experiences didn’t compare. Where Brennon had major issues the babies sailed through. Where we had no worries with Brennon, the twins seems to pick up the slack, just so we could experience EVERYTHING that there was to experience with extreme preemies. It wasn’t the worry that typical twin parents have with the parenting two children part, but wondering if those two would ever come home for us to be parents to- there were a few too many times we were told “It doesn’t look good.” We wondered day after day if they were growing normal, if their brains were functioning correctly, if the future was a bright one, or a bleak one. There was nothing *hard* about giving two babies a bath, even alone. There was nothing brilliant about feeding two babies at two am. I never got kudos for managing a last minute grocery store trip. THAT was quite easy in comparison.

5 years later I am not sure it is any easier. I think in talking to other twin moms with older twins, they told me it would get better *around 3* to make sure I wouldn’t throw in the towel and run. It was a possibility after all. Today it’s crazy, funny, sad and scary- but not hard in *that* way. What’s hard is looking back at where they’ve come from, and wondering did I do everything I possibly could? Did the doctors take all the precautions they were supposed to?

It would be naïve to say yes or no, either way. I like to try to focus on what I do know, for sure- I love these kids. I love that when Gavin gets out of bed, he likes to sit at the top of the stairs and rub his ear for a few minutes before joining the family- every morning. I love that as soon as I step in the kitchen I can as sure as the sun rises turn around to see Juliana in her chef’s hat ready to help me do whatever it was that I came into the kitchen to do. I love that Gavin only calls Juliana sissy when he tells her he loves her. I love that Juliana has to tell him she loves him back in a quiet voice. I love that they think we don’t see them hug, all the time, and pretend to be pushing each other as soon as they notice we noticed! I love that when Juliana is in trouble she gives the biggest grin you’ve ever seen. I love that Gavin puts himself in a time out whenever his brother or sister is in one- he’s all about equal treatment. I love that when Juliana is tired she says “I wanna lay on you body.” And I love that when Gavin is tired he asks if I can rub his “big back”. I love that Juliana has a preference of what she’s called, today it’s Irene, her middle name.

The last 5 years has been filled with some memories I never thought I’d be fortunate enough to have, and have often. It only gets better by the day. There are some days I am ready to check out, and I even go to the extent of pricing the tickets and carefully choosing my tropical destination based on how quickly someone could come pull me out of there- the more difficult the better! Somehow I wake up the next morning and wonder what I was thinking. There is an alternative to all this- it would be NOT having them. That is something I can’t imagine. They make me real, humble and most of all, they make me realize that I was chosen, (hand picked!) to be their mom. It’s not a coincidence that I have the 3 kids I do. It’s not a coincidence that I am doing all this along side of one of the greatest people I’ve ever known. But somehow that doesn’t make everyday easy, matter of fact, I can count the easy days on a few hands. We have to look back and honor ourselves and realize we never signed up for prematurity, autism, pre cancerous conditions, chromosomal abnormalities, developmental delays and a mom with a forever broken body from it all- we signed up for the *typical* kid stuff! This isn’t typical and to think there are those who’ve suffered more, much more.... Yet, somehow or another it was truly meant to be and I appreciate who I am today because of it.

“When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” - Edward Teller

We’re thankful that we received both lessons, we know when there isn’t a strong base to stand on we need to rise above, flutter and flap our wings during the time in question, keep our eyes on what and who’s above and wait patiently for the time to pass, then land softly on our solid base once again. There is one thing we know for sure, whether it’s bad or good, it will change. We hold on to the one thing we know that won’t, our family commitment to each other.

I’ve said it before, it’s about 5 people that bring something different to the table, and that is table I am proud to sit at my entire life. Today is about life, the life we were given by them being able to continue theirs and not leaving us too soon. It was close at times, a little too close for me- but 5 years later we’re all here, standing taller than ever and realizing that maybe it wasn’t that hard after all!

What tomorrow will bring.....

 (From November 2009)

I know that we never know what tomorrow will bring. For once, I know exactly what it will bring should life decide to keep me breathing for one more day. Tomorrow I will wake up and remember THIS:

At some point in my life I've mentioned that I might like to change the world somehow. I still haven't pinpointed exactly how I'll reach *the world*, a megaphone might just be my communication tool of choice- seems we as a society have problems with our hearing... OR, maybe we just have a problem with feelings. Maybe it's those pesky *expectations* that ruin it all. I don't know, and I'd venture a guess that while there are many opinions on what is wrong with the world, there sure isn't a lot of action on changing what's wrong with the world.

Here's my attempt at changing the world.... procreation. Yes, the amazing gift of pregnancy and the miracle of life. I said I wanted the OPPORTUNITY to change the world. How is it that I was gifted with THREE amazing opportunities to do so? Opportunity came to me in the form of children.

(DISCLAIMER: You obviously don't need to have children (or birth your own) to have a positive impact or make a contribution to the world. I was made from scratch to be a woman, daughter, wife, mother. I am honored to have those titles, however, it all started with being one thing- a life. If you have one, you have more power than you'll ever know. I just know THIS is how *I* was chosen to be. And well, this is my ramblings...)

What better way to contribute to the world, than offering to the world, no, scratch that.... offering to the UNIVERSE, three amazingly, powerful human beings? Do I think they are amazing already? I do. I see it in every breath they take, in every problem solving attempt they make and every raised chin in satisfaction when they've accomplished something THEY didn't think they could, but I assured them they would.

How I teach, guide, influence and carry on will mold these little peace makers in to an army of integrity, confidence, goodness and INFLUENCE. How I influence them will be a direct affect on how they influence others.

Will my children see weakness or power in me? I hope they grow to see the power in me, but also feel humbled enough to know that we are allowed to cry, have emotion, express fears and learn through mistakes.

Will my children choose to *bail* at the first sign of *tough times*? I hope they learn that our true warrior comes out in times where our base isn't so stable. I believe in you can't have dark without light, evil without good... You can't appreciate the good times until you've experienced the tough times. Perseverance is key.

Will my children choose to break down the weak or build up the weak? I hope that they've seen unselfish acts from not only me, but others they are influenced by. I hope that they realize that while a helping hand helps at that moment, their words will forever stick. I hope they choose to breathe life in to those falling down. I hope that they use the word *love* when ending a phone call with me AND when passing a stranger with his head down.

Will my children adopt the " you are a product of your misfortunes" or take responsibility for their fortunes AND misfortunes. I hope that they never fall victim to mistreatment in any form, but if they do, I hope that they realize the transfer of power, from the hunter to the hunted happens the minute they refuse to consider themselves victims.

Will my children get wrapped up in a title? I hope they find energy in being themselves. I hope they are able to disconnect from certain titles and get back to the root of their life. I hope as much as they give to others they will not forget themselves.

I know that tomorrow I will wake seeing the beauty of their souls and remember the power that I have as a woman/mother. I hope my daughter will see that she holds the same power and she will one day be called to execute it in some manner. I hope she knows her worth as a woman, I hope that if there is anything I do on this earth, it will be to show her what she deserves, which is everything, in life. I hope my boys will be true men and honor the women in their lives by treating them as a woman should be treated. I hope that we, as husband and wife, can show them the fruits of a relationship filled with honor, integrity, interest (there's one that isn't around anymore), respect and passion.

There are many hopes that I have for them, but all in all I hope they make a difference to someone. I will continue to mold my army of goodness and I hope the world is ready to receive them.

In the spirit of the Thankful month- I am THANKFUL for the opportunities I've been given with my children. My one true desire, fulfilled. I will not take for granted the lives entrusted to me. I will lead by example.

Somehow or another Billy Joel must have written this about my daughter....

 (From February 2010)

It's not a huge surprise that this song is one of my favorites of all time and my 2nd favorite by Mr. Joel. However, the more I learn about my daughter; the more time I spend in her awesome presence; the more clear her heart becomes to me, the more this song seems to be hand picked for her.

She’s got a way about her
I don’t know what it is
But I know that I can’t live without her
................
She’s got a smile that heals me
I don’t know what it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She’s got a way of talkin’
I don’t know why it is
But it lifts me up when we are walkin’ anywhere
.......................
She comes to me when I’m feelin’ down
Inspires me without a sound
....And I find the strength to keep on goin’
She’s got a light around her
And everywhere she goes a million
Dreams of love surround her everywhere

She comes to me when I’m feeling down
Inspires me without a sound
....................

She's just "The Girl". A million dreams of love surround her. Sometimes I wonder if she knows what she does to her dad and I. She is so inspiring, her smile, her laugh, her soul. From the time I held her little 20 oz body in my arms I knew this one was special. There was some overtime put in to this development of a beautiful girl. Sometimes I catch myself saying "When I grow up I want to be like my little girl." Leave me to my dream.... It works in my head....

I am so interested in finding a way to encourage/continue to encourage the light in her. I know the day might come where her imperfections shine through in ways that make my heart fall apart. I hope that I can remember these times with her and the day I realized a fantastic songwriter put my thoughts in to a melody.

She sure has a way............

Autism Awareness

(From April 2010)

It's April 2nd, World Autism Awareness Day.

As (most) of you know our son was diagnosed with Autism in 2006, he qualified for the diagnosis in numerous evaluations over the next couple years.

We poured all we had, and a lot of what we didn't, into getting him what he needed. It worked. Today we have a son that still qualifies for the diagnosis based on testing, however, if you know Gavin, you'd be hard pressed to find any Autistic like qualities when spending an average amount of time with him. He might seem rather "typical". His teachers know different, we know different- but to most, he's just "like all the rest". Which was EXACTLY our plan.

"If a child cannot learn in the way we teach ... we must teach in a way the child can learn." -Dr. O. Ivar Lovaas

This was something we adopted, in a major way. We "forgot" all the "norms" and went against the grain to teach him. It was hard, people tried to tell us we were doing it all wrong, backwards maybe. We couldn't heed the advice from others as they didn't have a son that couldn't communicate, didn't make eye contact or stop banging his head long enough to take a breath. They didn't have a child that screamed, non stop, for years. We sought out those who DID have a child like ours and found few and far between that actually had any hope. I found myself slipping in to a deep depression the more inner twined I became with these families. This isn't how it was supposed to feel. Suddenly I knew a little bit how Gavin might feel. Confused, alone and left wondering if this is how it felt.

I stood back and realized a few things. Our friends and family couldn't really understand- supportive and loving yes, but able to grasp our reality? No. Then, the families with children like ours, well *I* didn't understand THEM. We didn't understand Gavin. Gavin didn't understand us. So, as you might realize and I did at that moment, it's a breakdown of communication.

What do YOU do when you can't communicate with someone? You might learn their language. You might implement the power of touch. You might use a form of body language. You might just smile and keep saying in YOUR native language- I love you, hoping that might mean something one day. You might even hope that you'll hear it back, even if those pesky experts say you may never.

We learned Gavin's language. We didn't learn the language of Autism. I still am not familiar with that dialect. I didn't attempt to flood the information gates with all the different ways children with Autism learn, we employed therapists who worked 1:1 with him, I broke it down to how GAVIN learned- we honed in and dug and dug and dug. We dug until we found what we were looking for. We still have to get the shovels out occasionally to find a way with him, but the beauty behind that is we're getting to the point where he helps us dig. We have a child who's empowered not by his abilities, but his DIFFERENT abilities. He's strong. In his hand is a tool that he's learning to use. I don't think there is a better gift you can give your child then the ability to see himself, not as the VICTIM, but as the VICTOR.

Today we try to remember what it was like, but we can't. We just know that we have a little boy who showed us the beauty of life, locomotives (ask how many trains we sat and stared at and how many trips to Union Station we took) and most importantly a little boy who showed us how many different ways you could love without saying a word. We're fortunate to have a little boy who can tell us he loves us, but can't forget the families who are still learning the language of their Autistic child.

So, today we proudly "celebrate" World Autism Awareness Day.

Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.-- Henry James

A life with no regrets... More possible than I think? Afterall, it all starts with a choice.

(From May 2010)

Sometimes I wake up, (even when I wasn't asleep) and wonder "What was I thinking?" Great, I guess I'll add another regret to the books..... But, does it have to be?

Life has alot of twists and turns. At times I wonder who/what I should be mad at for handing over the challenges we've been "gifted".

I guess I could find something, someone- but then I realize that is a CHOICE. I've said it for a decade now and believe more than ever- there is a "alternative" to all this. I could see it as; had medical intervention not been available, not ONE of my children would be here today- that is a near certain statement. The alternative to their life, no matter how complicated, would only be their death. None of them had the ability to breathe upon leaving my body, the twins couldn't maintain a heartbeat if they tried. I could look at the fact that I have a degenerative disease and realize that the other alternative would be that upon a Feburary 2009 diagnosis, I could have only had 3 months to live, such as my dear friend Susan. Or, I can choose to live everyday in the present and be thankful for each day as I never know when the alternative will arrive. There is always an alternative. "Oh, I HAVE to wash these dishes." Or can you see it as "I had food to put on my plate tonight, I am gifted the opportunity to eat, I'll happily do these dishes." There's always a choice in how we see things.

So- with this thought I realize I can also CHOOSE my actions, and maybe those actions will lead to less regrets. Regrets are hard. Today I had one. Today, when working my way through a task, clearly getting frustrated, I caught Juliana looking at me from the table in which she was making (another) card. After a few minutes she put everything down and came over and said "Here, I'll help you mommy." She didn't ask HOW she could help, IF she could help. She just said she was going to. I love her heart. I love that she didn't sit around and wonder if her little 6 year old idea was going to make a difference. She didn't realize that helping me once might not save me from the next time I was frustrated. She didn't calculate how helping me would interfere with her day and choose to invest in herself instead. She just said "I'll help you." Well, here is where my regret comes in. I said "No, honey, Mommy's fine. Go back to what you were doing."

Honestly, if I had to put money on it, I'd have to say that I saw disappointment in her. If I also had to put money on it, I'd say that her life will go on. BUT- since I'm the one who's got the million dollar job without a paycheck (homemaker) I really don't have money to put on anything. SO, tomorrow morning, when she's supposed to make her bed, I'll do it for her and tell her that I remembered when she was wanting to help me yesterday and I didn't let her. I really wished I did, and couldn't take back that time. So I wanted to do something nice for her to thank her for what she was willing to do for me and that I couldn't wait to have a spot in my day where I needed her help.

I believe there is beauty in our children seeing us as the humans that we are. I believe that allowing our children in on the little secret that "mommy and daddy don't have it all figured out" will allow them to learn in ways, intimate ways, how to be a responsible, empathetic human being- rather than just moving on and hoping they don't recall. I believe that their hearts and souls will grow faster than science ever documented and we'd better not waste a breath on anything but love towards them. I also believe that the "the school of hard knocks" will come knocking on our doors and deliver the bad news- that doesn't work.

Today, in my daughter, who I have a good 27 years on, I saw a person that I long to be. What a gift, what a blessing that she already is. She is exactly what she should be. And only life, society, adults can take that from her. Well, I can say this much- not on my watch.

"As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do." -Zachary Scott

I can say that 98% of the time I either allow her help or ask for her help, especially when it's not needed- that's what the good stuff is made of. BUT, I regret that other 2%. I'm not perfect and many many things in life I don't get to CHOOSE. But, this I can choose- and will choose from here on out HER happiness, her desires, her heart- for I've been entrusted with it, at least for now.

Authenticity and Transparency

I continuously hear those words over and over in my head.  They ARE my words after all, I vowed to incorporate more of each in to my life.  If you've been following "me" for a while, you know that while looking for those two things in others, I found that I wanted more of that from MYSELF.

I've certainly been able to scratch out a few people, places and things based on the fact that I can't find EITHER of the two.  And that's okay.  Just as I've said all along "I am not for everyone."  It goes to say the opposite, "Everyone isn't for me."  Which for many of you you're sitting there staring at this page saying "Duh!!! You didn't know that?"  Well peeps, I didn't.  I've spent the majority of my years attempting failing at making everyone happy.  I didn't quite get the memo that at some point you'll be painfully aware that people don't like you and (the most important part) THAT'S OKAY!  I thought if I tried hard enough, met people where they were at, genuinely had interest in their lives, cared, shared and loved that the world, all of it! could be my friend.  Pfft!  It's just not that simple now, is it?

So, lately I've been investing a little time in ME.  My journey.  Oh wait, I didn't really have a path I followed, I just seemed to be drug, face down, down a path that LIFE chose for me.  I guess that's how I saw it for a looooong time.  It's been the last few years, maybe longer, that I realize this is all for SOMETHING.  My faith isn't a secret.  We know I am a big ol' lover of God.  And it's clear there is a plan for me.

However, without ME putting forth action, nothing will ever be revealed to me.  I've been led in a few directions, a few times. I've found things I've loved and subscribed to the theory that if you do something you love, you WILL be successful.  Maybe not in a financial/societal sense, but in your heart.  That's the good stuff.  I think my unwaivering pessimism doesn't allow me to "try something on for size", I'll decide "it won't work" before it ever starts.  Or, if I've started something, it seems it gets ripped from my hands before I know it.  I am not one for ripping back, I kinda believe in "What's meant to be will be..."  So, I've moved on.  

Anyone wonder what I am getting at? Ha me too!  All the time.

Anyhow....

I think I've figured it out.  I think I've figured out a way to incorporate a few loves, a few (minimal) talents, a need in the community into a service that is based on AUTHENTICITY and TRANSPARENCY and a few other kitschy words that we all love.

I think everyone needs a Susan. Do you have a Susan? I did, for about 5 years.  Not long enough, about 1/12 of the time I wanted to. My friend Susan started out as my "Mentor Mom".  I was part of M.O.M.S (Mothers of Multiples Society) and when my twins were born 16 weeks early they didn't send me just any ol' twin mom, they sent in Susan.  Susan had signed up to be a Mentor Mom to another twin/preemie mom.  I was her "first" mentoree.   Within 17 minutes of meeting I think we lost the titles and became simply, friends.  I'll never forget trying to tell her when she first contacted me "I was fine... I had a preemie before...I didn't need help, they were still in the hospital... call back when I get home with them."  LOL.  If you knew Susan you'd know that she could see through the crap and would call you on it.  "Girl, just knock that off, yes you do.  I am coming to the hospital tomorrow and meeting your babies and taking you to lunch." Uh, okay?  I remember seeing the NICU doors open and in marches my soon to be dear friend and what would later become my angel.

Susan met me where I was at.  She met me at the bottom of some deep dark holes, some of which I was thrown in to, some of which I dug myself.  And every time she met me there it wasn't to drag me out, it wasn't to solve the debacle.  It was to experience my heartaches, get a little dirty in the muck and then together, we'd figure out a way out.  She also met me when I lounged on and in the clouds of dreams and aspirations, even when they only made sense to me.  "Girl, do it!  Now.  If you don't, I am gonna bug you about it, a bunch."  And she did.  And oddly enough, even though she's been gone for almost a couple years, she still kinda does.  (Read more about the day I found out I lost my closest friend here).

Many a times Susan would call, I'd pick up the phone and say "Hey..." she'd interrupt with this line..."Girl!  You have to try ___________. It will change your life."  You could insert MANY things there.  A book, Sherwin Williams paint color, Puttenesca sauce...  She had a passion for experiences, anything that touched one of your senses or your heart.  I am the same way.  You might hear me around Snooze telling our guests to "... try the Red Velvet Pancake, it will change your life."  or at least palette for a few minutes.   I love to experience "LIFE".  Even if "life" is in the form of a yummy pancake.  I like experiences. I've walked the streets with a person who's lost themselves in the world of crack, prostitution and all that encompasses a life on the streets and listened to their stories.... and paid attention so I could figure out how to love them, in THEIR language.  That's life and those are experiences I wouldn't trade for the world.  There's a broad spectrum out there and it surely isn't a "One Size Fits All" world.

So, how am I taking these thoughts and dreams and making them come true?  Well, I am working out details, business plans, goals, ect.  But, I will say that without Susan I wouldn't have made it through the first few years with the twins.  Granted, I was a mom before the twins it's just that Brennon wrote the book on "How to be the perfect baby.".... (Update: He's making up for lost times and is now writing the book on "How to drive your parents crazy/Being a tween.")  And maybe I would have made it through those years, it's likely.  It just wouldn't have been as fun, eye opening, educating or pretty.  I want to be able to provide moms/families with the opportunity to find themselves or their new selves through mothering and parenting by way of education, health/wellness, fitness/nutrition, organization, environment "sprucing up" and physical (non-judgmental) support.  No "rescuing" here.  We're going into the trenches together and we're digging out together. Period.

Like I said, everyone needs a Susan.  

More details to follow.

(Thank you to Susan for the inspiration. Thank you to God for whispering in to my soul just when I needed You to.)