Saturday, February 19, 2011

A life with no regrets... More possible than I think? Afterall, it all starts with a choice.

(From May 2010)

Sometimes I wake up, (even when I wasn't asleep) and wonder "What was I thinking?" Great, I guess I'll add another regret to the books..... But, does it have to be?

Life has alot of twists and turns. At times I wonder who/what I should be mad at for handing over the challenges we've been "gifted".

I guess I could find something, someone- but then I realize that is a CHOICE. I've said it for a decade now and believe more than ever- there is a "alternative" to all this. I could see it as; had medical intervention not been available, not ONE of my children would be here today- that is a near certain statement. The alternative to their life, no matter how complicated, would only be their death. None of them had the ability to breathe upon leaving my body, the twins couldn't maintain a heartbeat if they tried. I could look at the fact that I have a degenerative disease and realize that the other alternative would be that upon a Feburary 2009 diagnosis, I could have only had 3 months to live, such as my dear friend Susan. Or, I can choose to live everyday in the present and be thankful for each day as I never know when the alternative will arrive. There is always an alternative. "Oh, I HAVE to wash these dishes." Or can you see it as "I had food to put on my plate tonight, I am gifted the opportunity to eat, I'll happily do these dishes." There's always a choice in how we see things.

So- with this thought I realize I can also CHOOSE my actions, and maybe those actions will lead to less regrets. Regrets are hard. Today I had one. Today, when working my way through a task, clearly getting frustrated, I caught Juliana looking at me from the table in which she was making (another) card. After a few minutes she put everything down and came over and said "Here, I'll help you mommy." She didn't ask HOW she could help, IF she could help. She just said she was going to. I love her heart. I love that she didn't sit around and wonder if her little 6 year old idea was going to make a difference. She didn't realize that helping me once might not save me from the next time I was frustrated. She didn't calculate how helping me would interfere with her day and choose to invest in herself instead. She just said "I'll help you." Well, here is where my regret comes in. I said "No, honey, Mommy's fine. Go back to what you were doing."

Honestly, if I had to put money on it, I'd have to say that I saw disappointment in her. If I also had to put money on it, I'd say that her life will go on. BUT- since I'm the one who's got the million dollar job without a paycheck (homemaker) I really don't have money to put on anything. SO, tomorrow morning, when she's supposed to make her bed, I'll do it for her and tell her that I remembered when she was wanting to help me yesterday and I didn't let her. I really wished I did, and couldn't take back that time. So I wanted to do something nice for her to thank her for what she was willing to do for me and that I couldn't wait to have a spot in my day where I needed her help.

I believe there is beauty in our children seeing us as the humans that we are. I believe that allowing our children in on the little secret that "mommy and daddy don't have it all figured out" will allow them to learn in ways, intimate ways, how to be a responsible, empathetic human being- rather than just moving on and hoping they don't recall. I believe that their hearts and souls will grow faster than science ever documented and we'd better not waste a breath on anything but love towards them. I also believe that the "the school of hard knocks" will come knocking on our doors and deliver the bad news- that doesn't work.

Today, in my daughter, who I have a good 27 years on, I saw a person that I long to be. What a gift, what a blessing that she already is. She is exactly what she should be. And only life, society, adults can take that from her. Well, I can say this much- not on my watch.

"As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do." -Zachary Scott

I can say that 98% of the time I either allow her help or ask for her help, especially when it's not needed- that's what the good stuff is made of. BUT, I regret that other 2%. I'm not perfect and many many things in life I don't get to CHOOSE. But, this I can choose- and will choose from here on out HER happiness, her desires, her heart- for I've been entrusted with it, at least for now.

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