Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Feeling the love of this time of year....

February always brings the fun, love, pinks and reds. 

I am feeling especially loving today.  Today I am feeling an insane amount of love for my children.  I am one who questions everything.  Not necessarily in a negative manner, but I like to see what makes people tick.  What about that entree did you love?  What made you choose to settle down in that town?  I like to hear what people invest in, morally, emotionally, ect. I have to say I am invested in my kids.  Feels like I sunk all my money in to one market.  And, I think that the return on investment on this one will be a good one!  ;)

I have alot of questions about my life.  The why's, when's, what's often haunt me.  Sometimes I wonder if I'll live long enough to answer a few of my questions or if ANYONE ever lives long enough.  I have a feeling that a million years wouldn't serve me well.

My questions are ones like:

Could I be doing more? 

If it all went away right NOW, have I done enough?

What do I need in life?

It's amazing how children provide you with all those answers.  I see them and see that I've achieved so much, there is little else in my life I can do that will "top" being a parent.  It's amazing to see them come from little one and two pound babies and grow into little individuals that are larger than life.  It's amazing to see their strengths and weaknesses.  It's fulfilling to see a little stumble that they recover like soldiers from.

I am seeing the changes in them lately.  I've began to wonder if the days that I have those little fingers in my hand are always going to want to be there or if one day they won't want to hold hands with mom. I wonder if I have given them enough "touch"... have I cuddled, hugged, kissed, squeezed, patted them enough?  I wonder if they've seen my absolute adoration for them.  Can they see it in my eyes? Have I made enough eye contact?  Have they seen me be "human" in ways that will allow them to also embrace being "human"?  Have I allowed them to cry and feel emotion so that it's a welcome experience in their life?  Have I expected them to carry themselves enough so that they learn that sometimes we're our own best advocate?  Have I done enough?

Do you ever get the answer to that question?  I, sometimes, hope I don't.  I'm afraid to get an answer and scale back my efforts because I know "how" it turns out.  For now I'll continue seeking out ways to give more and more to them always wondering if it's enough.

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