Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Musings of my mind.....

My mind is racing these days.  It's full of ideas, plans, intentions and a few really really BIG agendas.  I say this as if there wasn't a day this didn't happen. Except, my excuses are lessening. I don't see obstacles in the same fashion. This is new. Very new.

What's on my mind:

How did our calendar get this full?  Ever wonder how "she" or "they" do it and then vow you'd NEVER get like that and then suddenly, you're the leader of it!?!?!?  My calendar is full, with alot of important stuff- school, Kurt's work schedule, birthdays, doctor appointments, volunteer days, sports/activities, ect.  Literally, for this entire month, there were TWO days that didn't have a bunch of THINGS planned.  Some of it IS non-negotiable, sure.  BUT, there is also alot of it that isn't "needed" as much as the time we USED to spend just "being" with each other is NEEDED.  Big time.  So, I plan to make the next season, Oct-Jan more Divino like.  We've always been good at not over extending ourselves, children, minds, energy, ect.  Suddenly we're caught up in the rat race and well, I'm not digging it.
Why can I NOT get over my "self worth" issues?  MAN, I am my own worst enemy Kurt will say.  It's true.  No one gets to me more than my own self.  I try to carry loads that are much much bigger than my wee shoulders- as if I had no choice.  And I do have a choice.  I CAN choose to see that my *work* is ENOUGH.  I don't see it as that yet, but I CAN choose to.  During this next season I am going to work on seeing all that I do as "enough". 

How can I be a great wife?  If you've listened to me rant about "my generation" of wives and mothers- I am sorry. It's truly never been about anyone in particular, if not totally only about myself.. but rather just a collective idea I have about what's important to us (as wives and mothers) today. The expectations we have of our spouses/partners seem more ridiculous than ever.  Sometimes I expect Kurt to be GREATER than he already is.  That's like asking Superman if he can step up his game a little bit.  Kurt knows how thankful I am for him. I think. But, saying THANKS is different than living THANKFULLY- my actions, tone, body language, ect all goes in to the communication of a marriage.  During this next season I am going to explore more of the bible and what God's intentions are for marriage. Our marriage is fine, there's nothing wrong with it, I just think there can always, always be MORE.

Do my children know me as happy?  Or would they use the following list of adjectives to describe me: Frustrated, busy, preoccupied, seeking....   How my children see me is a HUGE thing to me. They are learning from MY modeling everyday.  I feel like some changes are in order, immediate order.  If anything they've learned lately, we're not perfect, sometimes you just gotta freak out.  Then, I hope to teach them that after the freak out season of your life, you gotta get up, dust yourself off and get back on the horse, that is life.
So, that's just a bit of MY mind today.  And this is a slow day.  What's on your mind?

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